


feel!

by SweetXscape



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholic Tony Stark, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Animal Death, Childhood Trauma, Dark Tony Stark, Darkfic, Descent into Madness, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Insecure Tony Stark, Jealous Tony Stark, Maria Stark's Bad Parenting, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, POV Tony Stark, Parent Pepper Potts, Parent Tony Stark, Possessive Tony Stark, Protective Tony Stark, References to Addiction, References to Depression, Tony Stark & Sam Wilson Friendship, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Has Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:00:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetXscape/pseuds/SweetXscape
Summary: Tony loved Pepper because she made him feel.Feel! Feel! Feel!The numbness was no more and he became (perhaps unhealthily) attached to Pepper because of it. Pepper became what the alcohol used to be for him, but better. One addiction replaced with another.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 11
Kudos: 45





	1. to feel alive

**Author's Note:**

> _“I just wanna feel somethin’  
>  I just wanna feel alive  
> I just wanna feel somethin’  
> I just wanna feel alive” ___
> 
> __As a disclaimer: this story is going to be dealing with a lot of controversial subject matters, so if you find that you are easily triggered; please heed to the tags and warnings for this story and proceed with caution and at your own discretion. Thank you in advance._ _

* * *

Tony had never considered himself a hopeless romantic — far from it — nor did he ever believe in the concept of love at first sight. In fact, he used to mock those people that claimed there was ever such thing as ridiculous as love at first sight.

Tony considered himself pretty open-minded for the most part, but the notion of someone experiencing an emotion seemingly as powerful as love in a single encounter with a complete stranger was incomprehensible.

Tony, for the life of him, could never wrap his mind around it and chalked it up to most people confusing their lust with love or simply reading and watching way too many romance novels and films that glorified and romanticized the prospect of falling in love at first sight that gave the perpetually single and hopeless hope. No harm in that, however Tony resented the fact that the notion was promoted as much as it was, as if something like that was commonplace for most people when it wasn’t and would probably never be. An unpopular opinion, but the truth, nevertheless. 

Perhaps, it was the pessimism in Tony that influenced how strongly he felt about the silly concept. He’d always been somewhat of a pessimist and a realist when it came to most ideologies in life. He had a very glass half-empty perspective of the world and he has no doubt in his mind that it stems from his childhood — his fucked up childhood, where most people’s issues stemmed from.

Tony had been raised in a very cold and somewhat distant household. There was never any hugging, never any goodnight kisses, never any words of encouragement, never any bedtime stories, or long talks about the differences between right and wrong — the usual things parents did with their children to ensure a healthy and happy development. Yeah, those things were foreign concepts to Tony and from an early age, he’d learned how to suppress his emotions (especially unpleasant ones) and mainly associated any public displays of them as a sign of weakness. It’s what his father had instilled in him as a young boy. Tony’s somewhat proud to acknowledge that line of thinking was one of the very _few_ things he’d done away with once he’d gotten old enough to realize that the display of emotions were not always a bad thing or synonymous with being weak.

Tony’s parents, Howard and Maria Stark, were more like business partners than husband and wife. They were not an affectionate couple at all. They were cold to one another and seemed to lead a rather dull, monotonous marriage that did not appear very fulfilling in the least bit, at least not in Tony’s boyish eyes growing up watching them. There was no romance or intimacy to be found within their marriage. The only times Tony had ever seen them kiss or hold hands were during public appearances, which was to maintain the image they projected to the public. 

However, behind closed doors, that is where the true story unfolded and revealed to him that there was no real love between the two, only familiarity, complacency and routine. Lots and lots of boring routine, except of course, when he’d catch them with other people in their beds. Tony would not even consider it an affair that they were both engaging in, because they both had been well aware what the other had been doing and it seemed like they were in an unspoken agreement with it, as long as their affairs never went public, all was well.

Tony’s mother had often told him that there was no such thing as love. She didn’t believe people got together solely for love, but out of convenience, societal pressure, business, image purposes, loneliness and the need for companionship. All of which had nothing to do with love, but our inherent need as humans to _need_ other humans, whether as a companion, for material goods, for sex — whatever the case may be. It often differed depending on the people and situations and what they personally required out of these unions.

Tony took heed to his mother’s words, because at one point, he did believe them to be true. He’d seen enough examples in his life, of men and women, whom were together for a myriad of reasons that had nothing to do with love, but other factors. Hell, his own parents had gotten together, not out of love, but to fulfill an obligation, which was to produce an heir solely to carry on his father’s legacy. 

Tony had never been brought into this world to be loved and cherished, but groomed to fulfill a certain obligation and lead a particular life his father had already planned out for him. Tony was never meant to have a life of his own, he was born with a specific purpose and if he didn’t live up to it... well, he was just as good as dead.

Tony had realized all of this by the time he reached his teens, when the constant acts of rebellion, all of the robots he’d built and purposely left around the house for his parents to find, all of his genius, getting accepted into M.I.T. at fourteen — none of it mattered if it did not contribute to that specific purpose. He was practically invisible and useless any other time to his parents, so that was when he decided to allow himself to be used as a vessel to fulfill his parents’ purpose, which was carry on the Stark name with grace and pride and to run Stark Industries as efficiently as possible.

And Tony did just that, even after the sudden, unexpected death of his parents in a car accident while he was out partying, getting drunk off his ass, and bedding some 20-something bartender he met a night club. 

Tony continued to live the life he knew they’d always wanted, no matter how numb he felt while doing so. Goodness, he’d always felt so numb, so _achingly_ numb, and nothing he did could awaken the part of him that died right along with his parents in that accident. The part of him that went numb as an icicle when he’d realized his life was not his own and never was, that he was nothing more than a long term extension of his parents’ trophies to show off to the world as one of the best and brightest. Tony wasn’t their child, but an object, with no more value and worth than their sham of a marriage.

Tony, for most of his life, had been going through the motions, but he wasn’t really living, more like surviving. Surviving off of the feeling luxury purchases brought him, off of driving around in fancy cars and picking up fast women along the way. All of it was to compensate for what he felt, deep down, was lacking within, no matter how much he tried to deny that fact to himself.

All he ever truly wanted was to _feel_ something, feel anything at all, good or bad — at least then, he would feel human again, feel alive and not like he was a soulless being carrying the weight of this body he resided in that often felt like dead weight.

And some time during his twenties, he’d had an epiphany, and it occurred after bedding yet another nameless woman he didn’t bother learning the name of. It occurred to him right then while lying naked in his bed, gazing up at the mirror that hung above his bed, and as he stared at himself, he realized he didn’t recognize himself anymore. And by that, he means that, when he stared at himself, stared into his own eyes. He saw... nothing. 

Absolutely nothing.

Tony was met with darkness, emptiness, soullessness, the only three things that reflected back at him. All he could see was visions of a man that looked awfully like himself, falling, falling to his death perhaps, down a deep black hole with a bottomless pit, with no one that cared enough to reach in and pull him out, to save him from his impending death, the demise of his own doing.

Tony’s man enough to admit that it frightened him, terrified him even.

It was also when he realized how much he hated himself for his inability to fix these abundance of flaws about himself that, for the life of him, could not find a solution for.

There was a bit of cruel irony in the fact that he was a problem solver by nature — a genius! — created unique and breathtaking solutions to problems no one else could. And yet, here he was, struggling to find a way to fix himself the way he could fix anything else in his lab. He was damaged goods and a problem he was not confident he’d ever find the answer to. And if he himself found that he was not fixable, why would he ever expect someone else to be able to fix him? Why did he _want_ someone else to fix him when he was unable to? If Tony Stark, the genius, problem solving philanthropist couldn’t do it, surely no one else would ever be able to.

Tony found that he was always in a constant state of cognitive dissonance, of wanting the things out of life he swore he did not want or need. Perhaps he’d been lying to himself the whole time. That was always a possibility, but he was more inclined to believe he’d been at a crossroads with himself, an internal conflict of constant tug of war with the things he’d wanted for himself and the things he felt his parents wanted for him, and of course, those things never matched up, because what he’d wanted for himself had always been quite different from what his parents, Howard and Maria Stark, wanted from him.

Yes, it was quite odd that his parents, at this point in his life, had been dead for over ten years and yet, they still had as much of an influence over him as they did when they were alive. Tony still gave them that power over his life, that control that he despised and resented when he was younger, but now, it was as if he did not have an identity outside of it. He clung to it for dear life and struggled to let go of it, no matter how unhealthy and toxic he realized it was.

Tony had also realized how unhappy he truly was, how lonely and abandoned he felt. He did not feel satisfied by any of his “extracurricular” activities anymore. It was when he realized that no matter how many women he entertained in his bed, no matter how many luxurious purchases he made, or despite the fact that he was running an empire and possessed the life most would kill for — none of it would _ever_ eradicate the numbness, the ache in the pit of his chest, the void. It would always be apart of him, omnipresent, no matter what, and there was no one that would ever be able to change that, no matter how much he wanted them to.

So, not long after he’d come to that conclusion, he cleansed himself of the fast women who fucked him solely because of his last name, his status and his money and the fake friends that clung to him because of the attention it brought them, presenting them with opportunities that they would not have otherwise had they not been “best pals” with Tony Stark himself and Tony began to live his life in comfortable solitude.

It was lonely of course, but it was better than being surrounded by people that didn’t give a damn about whether he lived or died. Solitude had always been better than bad company, and he would always pick it, because despite the lonely, quiet life he led because of it; he did feel a lot less weighed down and that was always nice.

However, Tony wishes that he could say that was the only drastic change that occurred at that point in his life. Yes, he gave himself credit for ridding himself of the toxic people in his life that meant him harm, but he had not completely cleansed himself of the alcohol, never the alcohol.

You see, the alcohol had been the only consistent thing in his life that hadn’t disappointed him yet, that hadn’t left him, and remained the only vice of his that had the ability to make him _feel_. The only vice of his that he refused to let go of, could never let go of.

Alcohol became the substitute for the adrenaline rush the fast women had given him before he’d dropped them. The alcohol was almost as good as the sex used to be and that was saying a lot, especially coming from a red-blooded man like Tony, who did not hesitate to let it be known that sex was one of his favorite past times.

Alcohol was now right up there with it because it contained the ingredients of what he had been craving and chasing after for so long, and it was to feel alive, to feel human, to feel real, but most of all; to _feel_.

When he was intoxicated, Tony was a completely different person. Back in his teenage years and college days, his friends would often refer to him as “Rain,” because he would become an emotional wreck, cry so much his tear drops looked like huge rain puddles. Tony acted unlike himself and it was as if, with alcohol in his system, he was unable to repress the emotions he’d been taught to bury since he was a young boy. It was the only explanation. A side of effect of the numbness he felt in his sober, everyday life if you will.

Rain, however, would only show up when Tony would get _utterly_ wasted and he usually did that when he knew he would be home alone or when he had no other obligations. Tony had built up enough of a tolerance to be able to consume staggering amounts of alcohol that would have anyone else unable to blink without falling over, however Tony could go the entire day undetected.

No one ever suspected he’d consumed at least eight or more glasses of his favorite drug of choice; Johnnie Walker, his favorite brand of Scotch whisky. It used to be Jack Daniel’s (the first alcoholic beverage he’d tried at the tender age of thirteen), but then he’d gotten hold of Johnnie Walker, one he’d specifically picked out from his father’s alcohol collection and since then, he’d gotten hooked on the taste of it ever since.

Tony loved when Rain would show up and take over. Rain was a gentle, sensitive, sweet and compassionate being that wouldn’t harm a fly and _felt_. Rain had no issues expressing his emotions and felt liberated doing so. Rain was who Tony wished he could be in his sober life, but, unfortunately, Rain seemed to only make his presence known when Tony was under the influence.

Tony loved Rain a lot more than he did Fury. Oh, Fury was the _worst_ and Tony had only been made aware of his existence after the passing of his parents. He’d thrown a party not even a full week after their funeral (which was obviously not one of his brightest ideas, but he wanted a distraction) and it seemed like the party had only made things worse. Something about seeing people laugh and have a genuinely good time while his parents had just been buried underneath the earth they danced around on so carelessly set him off, combined with the alcohol of course and exacerbated by it, and it was a recipe for disaster.

Tony had blacked out and the only reason he’d known the damage he inflicted was because someone had recorded it on their video camera, a tape in which had gotten sold to one of those trashy gossip rags and it was one of the first times Tony had ever seen himself act like an untamed animal, a savage, and a complete monster with an anger and rage that you would see in some of the most prolific serial killers around the world.

Tony didn’t remember much from that night, only that he’d awakened the next morning with a trashed condo and a hangover that felt like he’d been practically stoned to death.

He had to do major damage control because the rumor mill had began, although the fact that his parents had not been dead for no longer than a week, he was granted a pass for his barbaric behavior — just barely. The media nicknamed him “Fury” and it sort of stuck with some of the media outlets and general public, and he’d been publicly referred to as Fury for many years after the incident and it was because the footage had been so heavily publicized that many were unable to see him without that fucking tape coming to mind.

Tony had the tape pulled so media outlets were unable to play that footage of him on television, but it was of no use, the damage had already been done and there was nothing he could do about it other than take it on the chin and hope some other idiot took his place as the media’s favorite punching bag.

* * *

Years had gone by and Tony had found love in the bottom of a Johnnie Walker. And when he got lonely, it was Rain that kept him company and sometimes Fury, who had a serious problem with handling his problems without the use of his fists.

Tony despised Fury, despised whenever he would take over, because he was unpredictable and reckless. Tony didn’t like the feelings that overcame him whenever Fury showed up — the evil within, the one whom he blamed all of his sins.

Fury was _always_ angry and such a hateful, malevolent spirit that desired to destroy any and everything in its path.

Tony could recall the horrid discovery of waking up to find Oreo, his black kitten with white spots that he’d recently rescued from the animal shelter, lying lifeless at his feet. Tony immediately grasped the small, stiff fur ball into his hands, pressing the kitten close to his chest protectively.

Oreo was dead and Tony was in absolute disbelief at the horrifying discovery. Struggling to his feet, he went to check his home security footage that he’d set up a while back for specific unfortunate instances like this that he could never remember the day after, despite his pounding migraine on the side of his head that felt like a hammer was repeatedly coming down against his temple, over and over again.

And Tony finds that he could not even finish watching the footage of a person he did not even recognize; perhaps a person he did not _want_ to recognize... of himself — of Fury — strangling the poor, defenseless kitten to death and stomping on the lifeless form thereafter.

Tony quietly wrapped the deceased kitten in a wool blanket and buried the carcass underneath the earth in his backyard. 

Fury was back after he returned to entertaining another Johnnie Walker, tossing over the coffee table, smashing plates and silverware, flipping over furniture, ramming fists into the concrete, shattering his knuckles.

Tony awakened yet again sore and in _so_ much pain. He self-medicated as he usually did whenever he lost complete control like that and spent the majority of the day in bed, tending to the wounds Fury had left behind for him to clean up, as always.

* * *

By the time Tony reached his late-30s, he made peace with the fact that he was to live the rest of his life in solitude. He had too many issues and he’d been more than sure that no one else would be able to put up with him, with all of his unresolved mommy and daddy issues, with the leftover PTSD from the unexpected passing of his parents, with always coming second to the alcohol, to Johnnie Walker.

With Rain, he was sure would make the cut, but Fury never would and would always remain the malevolent spirit that spawned from the alcohol that would find ways to sabotage him and bring only misery to his life, he was sure of it.

No one in their right mind would willingly choose to be with someone that had a side of them that could be so fucking evil, vindictive and lethal as Fury. Tony could barely handle the darker corners of his mind that came to light when alcohol graced his system, so how could anyone else accept parts of him that he still had difficulty accepting himself?

Tony didn’t want anyone else anyway. He was fine with flying solo for the rest of his life. It’s what he wanted. It was the life he was destined for, one of solitude, that consisted of himself, with his Johnnie Walker where he discovered all of the answers to his problems at the bottom of the bottle, along with Rain; his dear Rain, the quintessence of what he wished he could be without the prerequisite of inebriation, the essence of him that could actually _feel._ And Fury, everything he hated, absolutely _despised_ about himself manifested into an angry, bitter and violent being that would “coincidentally” show up when Tony didn’t want to take the blame for his own actions, and Fury was there to deal with it and make whatever ill-feelings he had go away, by _any_ means necessary. 

The intensity of Fury’s presence was enough for Tony to reconsider whether or not he should quit, but of course his apprehension had only been temporary and short-lived. Tony would never quit and he’d been psyching himself out every time he would think about potentially quitting. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t believe he actually could. Tony had become too dependent on it. He couldn’t even go more than a few hours without a taste of it, much less an entire day without it. It was his coping mechanism and it’s what helped him function. A high-functioning alcoholic is what the correct terminology was for people like him.

Although, Tony knew that his drinking was a problem (fuck, he had _so_ many), he felt that he’d had it under control. Sure, his social life had been effected partially because of it, however it wasn’t effecting his career and professional relationships at all and truly, that is all that mattered to Tony, more than anything. Because if he’d fucked up his career at Stark Industries; he knew he would be letting his parents down, disappointing them, and although they’d been dead and gone for over twenty years at this point, he still cared about what they would think as if they were still here, watching him with those sharp, critical eyes that always seemed to follow him wherever he went. God he used to _hate_ when they would look at him like he was the biggest fucking flop in existence. That peculiar glint in their eyes and their words, would always stay with him, no matter how many years would go by.

* * *

Tony had only been hospitalized once due to alcohol poisoning. It occurred while he was at home, thank God, winding down from a long day of work and perhaps, going in a bit harder than usual. Tony had pushed himself to his limits that night. He missed Oreo, he missed his parents, he missed his old self, he missed _feeling_ goddammit. He hated being numb. He hated himself. He hated everything.

Pepper Potts, his assistant, was the one that had found him passed out on the floor, completely unconscious and unresponsive.

Tony, in truth, had no intentions of killing himself (hell, he was many things, but suicidal wasn’t one of them), but he almost did — at least according to what his doctor had informed him when he’d eventually came to, groggy and disoriented, with Pepper by his side, fretting over him in a similar manner his mother used to when he’d been too small to properly dress himself.

“Goodness Tony, you could’ve killed yourself. What were you thinking?”

And it was something about the way Pepper was looking at him, the way she gently caressed his hair and held his hand after he had his stomach pumped. It was as if she truly did care whether he lived or died.

You see; Tony, for as long as Pepper had been his assistant, had been trying (and failing miserably) to get with her and time after time, she’d turned away from his advances. He was nothing but a womanizer in her eyes, simply on the prowl for his new conquest — a role she had made _abundantly_ clear from the very beginning she had _not_ been interested in. Tony wasn’t too upset about it because it was true, he was a womanizer and it had been a long while since he’d gotten laid and he can admit that majority of the reason why he pined after Pepper so heavily is because he’d wanted to know what she looked like sprawled out beneath him with nothing but her birthday suit on, begging — _pleading_ to be fucked.

But now, it was quite different. Tony wasn’t sure what had changed, but _something_ did. And it fucked with Tony, because he’d sworn to himself that he didn’t want nor did he need anybody else. He was content in his lifelong solitude, or at least he thought he was, until the the slender, strawberry blonde who refused to take no for answer came along, obliterating the walls he’s spent _years_ building for himself with ease and wiggling her way beyond the cracks of those walls and into his heart, without his consent. 

And to top it off, it was Pepper who made him enroll in Alcoholics Anonymous and reluctantly, he agrees, partially because he was too weak to put up much of a meaningful fight, but also because he wanted to please her, make her happy.

Tony was released from the hospital and of course, Pepper was there, by his side, as always, aiding him in his recovery, every step of the way, no matter how difficult it was, how tiresome it became for the both of them. Pepper did not leave him like Tony expected her to, _willed_ her to.

And although Tony had never wanted to experience something as excruciating as alcohol poisoning and having his stomach pumped ever again. Perhaps, he would be willing to do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant that he would have Pepper at his beck and call like this, so eager to please him, care for him like a mother would her sickly child, and handle him with a gentleness that made Tony’s heart swoon.

God, he didn’t realize how attention-starved he’d been for a little tender loving care from a woman. A woman that actually cared for him and not just his money or status. Pepper wasn’t shallow or a gold digger like many of the women in his past. Pepper cared for his well-being and honestly; it was a nice change of pace for once. Tony had never been so happy that he’d given Pepper that key to his Malibu estate, because if he didn’t, Pepper would not have found him when she did, and he would most likely be dead right now thanks to his own stupidity. The one time his self-destructive behavior would’ve come back to bite him in the ass in the most horrific, fatalistic way.

* * *

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

“Don’t tell me you’re willing to break your promise to me even after you gave me your word.”

“Now why would I do a thing like that after you’ve been such a good boy all week?” Pepper teases from the passenger seat of his Audi. 

Yes, Tony had given her an ultimatum, as pathetic as it was, that if he agreed to attend his AA meetings, walked the straight and narrow, relinquished the alcohol, she would reward him with a date. And Tony did everything that was asked of him, putting up very little fight and finally, he was to receive his reward for good behavior.

Tony hoped that by the end of this date, Pepper would at least consider them a possibility and would entertain the thought of a second date — a _real_ date and not one out of pity. God he hated being pitied.

“A really good boy indeed.” Tony smirks. “You have no idea how painful those AA meetings can be.” 

Tony didn’t know why he’d say something like that when in truth he’d actually somewhat enjoyed attending those AA meetings. They were not nearly as bad Tony had been anticipating them to be. He met some interesting characters there. Tony found it fascinating hearing the life stories of other people and what led them to seeking relief in the bottle. Everyone had a story. But what Tony found interesting was that they all had sought the answers in alcohol, their favorite drug of choice. An affinity for the alcoholic beverage that eventually sucked them dry, pushed them to their limits, until they could no longer deny the obvious, deny the fact that they allowed this thing that was once done in recreation was now a tool being used to chip away at their lives by their own allowance.

“It’s for your own good Tony.” 

“I know, I know.” He quickly assures, before he gets her started on her long, drawn-out lectures about his health, his quality of life and how he needed to take better care of himself. Tony knew she meant well and he appreciated that about her, but he can admit that it did get annoying sometimes. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck any less.”

“I’ll take that over planning your funeral.”

Tony glances at her and she keeps her eyes leveled, avoidant of his and focusing her gaze on the road ahead.

Well then, that was the end of _that_ conversation.

Tony wined and dined Pepper at a newly renovated luxurious Greek restaurant. It was by reservation only and Tony made sure he rented it out just for Pepper and he. Tony was good friends with the owner of the restaurant so he was more than happy to satisfy this favor for Tony, especially after Tony informed him that he’d wanted to impress a new woman in his life with some of the best Greek cuisine there is.

“Tony, I can’t believe you did all of this.” Pepper says, amazement written all over her pretty face as she turns to face him. “Dare I say, this is incredibly romantic.”

“Of course it’s romantic sweetie. I may have an abundance of issues; but wooing a beautiful woman is not one of them.”

“Don’t get cocky Tony. The night is still young.” 

“Have a little faith in me, will ya?” Tony smiles, pulling out her chair. “Trust me, I’m not as pathetic as you may think.”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic Tony, quite the opposite actually. I think you’re courageous.” 

“Courageous?” Tony frowns as he takes a seat across from her.

“Don’t act so surprised,” Pepper giggles. “But yes, I do. It takes a lot of courage for someone to acknowledge they have a problem and even more courage to actually do something about it.”

“I’m only doing the bare minimum Pep. It’s not a big deal.”

“You taking better care of yourself _is_ a big deal Tony.” Pepper says, reaching a hand out across the table and placing it atop of his own, causing him to take his eyes away from the menu. “You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Pepper then sighs, glancing away from him and Tony takes the opportunity to lace their fingers together. She looks at him and smiles, halfheartedly.

“I know I don’t always say it, but I do care about you Tony and your well-being. When I walked in on you that night, sprawled out on the floor and unconscious, it scared me. I thought... I thought I might’ve lost you forever and you would never know how I truly felt about you.”

“...How do you feel about me?”

Pepper flushes, cheeks tinting an adorable shade of rosy red, and she shakes her head.

“I still think you’re a cocky bastard, but one with a heart of gold nonetheless.”

Tony laughs heartily and Pepper smiles at him, with those sapphire eyes that convey something much more complex than Tony could comprehend in that moment.

Tony orders their food; a Kotosoupa for Pepper and a Kleftiko for himself, and as expected, the dishes are just as delicious as they look. Pepper wouldn’t stop going on and on about how delicious her soup was. Tony would make sure to leave a generous tip and make a mental note of the desserts Pepper favored for future reference.

“May I have this dance?” Tony asks, arm out stretched as he arises from his seat.

“Tony, there’s no music.”

“So?” Tony shrugs. “We don’t need it.”

Pepper offers him a look of uncertainty, but obliges him anyway, taking him by the hand with a sheepish smile. Tony smiles at her as she stands, gently pulling her in closer to him, placing one hand on her waist, while the other takes her by the hand and together, they begin to sway to nonexistent music.

“...Have I mentioned how beautiful you look tonight?”

“Only about a gazillion times already.” Pepper giggles. “But, who’s counting?”

Tony chuckles.

“You know, I never got to thank you for all that you’ve done for me these past couple of months. I’ve been a complete train wreck, but you never left my side or gave up on me like anybody else would have. You’ll never know how much that meant to me.”

“No need to thank me Tony. You’ve gotten this far by your own doing, from your own hard work and determination. I can’t take credit for that. I simply facilitated it.”

“You’ve done _a lot_ more than that Pep and I can’t thank you enough for any of it.”

Pepper blushes and looks away from him as they continue to sway.

“Thank you for agreeing to come out with me tonight, even if it was out of pity, I still appreciate it.”

Pepper looks at him, frowning.

“You truly believe I agreed to go out on a date with you tonight simply out of pity? Please don’t tell me you’re this naive or oblivious, Tony.”

Now, it’s Tony that’s looking away from the beautiful woman before him, blushing uncontrollably. Tony couldn’t recall the last time a woman made him blush like this. A damn shame.

“I hope that’s another way of you saying you like me just as much as I like you.”

“It is,” Pepper smiles. “Tonight was beautiful, Tony. Thank you for this.”

“It’s the least I can do for all that you’ve done for me. You deserve this and so much more. It’s a matter of whether you will give me that opportunity to show you all that I can give you, all that I _want_ to give you and all that you deserve.” Tony tilts his head to side. “...Will you let me prove to you that I can be so much more than what you initially thought of me, Pepper? I can be a good man for you. I can be anything you want me to be, I just need you to give me a chance.”

Pepper gazes at him, sapphire eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“...Do you really mean that Tony?”

“Yes,” he replies, without any hint of hesitation in his tone of voice. “I do... I really do.”

Biting down on her lip, she stares at him, as if in contemplation, and every passing second is an agonizing one for Tony, because he wants her, more than he’s wanted any other woman in his life, and he wants her to know, so very badly, how much.

“...Okay.” She says, finally breaking the silence between them.

“Okay?” Tony asks, in genuine disbelief.

“Okay.” Pepper smiles as a single tear falls from her lashes. “God, I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

“Cause I’m such a charismatic Casanova.” Tony chuckles.

“Well, the fact that you won me over with one date is proof of that, as much as I hate to admit it.” Pepper giggles, despite another tear cascading down her cheek, which Tony brushes away with his thumb.

“...I promise that you won’t regret this.” He says after a brief moment of silence. “I’ll be so good to you, you’ll wonder why you didn’t give this a chance sooner.”

“If you say so Tony.”

“I know so.” Tony replies, firmly. 

Pepper only nods, leaning in and resting her head on his shoulder as they continue to sway together in serene silence.

Tony had promised a lot of things to a lot of women in his life over the years; a lot of things he knew he did not mean and had no intentions of following through with, but said them anyway, because he knew it was what they all wanted to hear.

But this time around, with Pepper, for the first time, he actually meant them and he was going to prove to her that he was going to be the best lover she’s ever had, in more ways than one. Tony was going to actually _try_ this time around and put forth an effort, because Pepper deserved that much from him. God she deserved the world and Tony planned on giving her just that, not only because she was worth the effort, but because he genuinely wanted to. 

* * *

Tony, slowly and with time, became the very people that he used to mock — the hopeless romantics; the ones who believed in love at first sight, the ones who religiously read all of those smutty romance novels in hopes of their love lives playing out like one, the ones who believed love conquered all.

Yes, Tony had become one of _those_ people and it was all Pepper’s fault. _She_ was to blame for why he developed into such a sap over the past year, why he began to think things, _feel_ things he never had before. Why he traded in the alcohol — his Johnnie Walker — the one whom he once believed was his true love, for her. Only for her. She was the reason he ditched Rain and Fury (though he wasn’t too sad about the latter), why she suddenly became the center of his world. Pepper was to blame for it all and he wasn’t upset about it, either. No, he was happy for once in his life. He wasn’t numb. He could _feel_. And Pepper had been the only one that could do it.

And it was as if he had traded one addiction for another and it was Pepper. Tony loved the way she made him feel whenever they were together, enjoyed her company, and relished in her attention and affection.

Initially, Pepper had wanted to take things slow and Tony respected her wishes. He suspected it was because she had not wanted to overwhelm him by rushing into things, which Tony appreciated, even if he didn’t think it was necessary.

It wasn’t until they’d had sex for the first time is when the dynamics had changed between them, at least for Tony it did. And by that he means if he wasn’t already hooked, he certainly was now.

The sex was like no other and like nothing’s he’s ever experienced before. And it wasn’t surface level pleasure, but something much more profound, sickeningly sweet, warm and fuzzy, powerful and addictive — just like the alcohol, just like his obsessive need to _feel_. And much like the alcohol; Tony could not get enough of it, could not get enough of Pepper.

Tony was deemed a miracle in his AA meetings by his peers, given that it appeared as if he dropped alcohol cold turkey with very little urges for it. His peers questioned him, some were skeptical, but most were curious as to how he was able to abandon the alcohol with an ease and swiftness that they could not conjure up for the life of them.

And Tony told the truth. He channeled that energy into another aspect of his life — his love life; Pepper.

“You gotta be fucking kiddin’ me, Stark.” Sam Wilson, one of the members of his group, exclaimed. “You mean to tell me a broad is the reason behind your epiphany?”

“Yes. And her name is Pepper Potts.” Tony proclaims proudly. “Get you a woman that fulfills all of your wants and needs — needs you didn’t even realize existed — and you’ll see for yourself.”

“Never doubt the power of pussy, Sam. It’s a powerful thing. Has the ability to bring a man to his knees and rid him of addiction, as evidenced here with Tony.” Natasha Romanov, another member of their group, smirks, offering Tony a wink. 

Tony flushes at the redhead’s words, rolling his eyes a bit. Leave it to Natasha to be outright blunt with it, decorum be damned.

“Something like that.”

“Well, regardless, I’m glad you found someone that makes you happy and keeps you on the straight and narrow. Don’t let her slip through your fingers.” Sam says, clasping a hand onto his shoulder and squeezing it a bit with a genuine smile on his face. “May we all experience the same fortune as you one day, sooner rather than later.” He chuckles.

“Thank you Sam. That means a lot.”

“Alright! Lets get this meeting started, shall we?” The administrator announces, entering the room, promptly ceasing their conversation.

* * *

“...Tony? Can we talk?”

Tony looks up from his paperwork from where he sits behind his large mahogany desk to see Pepper entering into his office with a pensive look on her face as she closes the door behind her, clad in a black pencil skirt and an ivory white blouse with her hair pulled back in a neat bun held together by barrettes. He smiles when he sees her, but something about her demeanor unsettles him.

“Sure baby, what is it?” He asks, despite the slight apprehension he felt at the pit of his chest.

“Have you told people around here about us?”

Tony blinks and swallows thickly.

“Why?”

“Answer the question Tony.” Pepper says, in a tone that lets Tony know she is not in the mood for bullshitting in any form.

“...I might’ve unintentionally let it slip to a couple of people...”

“ _Tony,_ ” she says in that distressed tone he always disliked. “You promised me that when we eventually went public, it would be on _my_ terms.”

“Pepper, we’ve been going together for almost a year now. You had to have known that people were going to find out about us eventually.”

“ _Yes_ , but I was hoping it would be by my _own_ volition and not because you got tired of waiting and decided to go blabbing about it to every Tom, Dick and Harry that would listen.”

Tony frowns.

“You know, I’m starting to believe you’re ashamed of me, of this relationship-”

“Don’t start with that Tony.” Pepper interjects, visibly annoyed. “You know that’s not what this is about.” 

“Oh? It’s not? Well why don’t you tell me then. Tell me what this is really about.”

“Do you really think I want to be labeled as Tony Stark’s new flavor of the month by the people I have to work around everyday?” Pepper exclaims. “This is where I work Tony and you _knew_ from the _very_ beginning how much I dislike mixing my work life with my personal life. It creates unnecessary drama that I refuse to deal with — especially when I’m not getting paid to deal with it.”

“You’re not some flavor of the month for me, Pepper. You know that.”

“Yes, but that’s what they’re going to say about me, Tony. They already are, like I’m some kind of floozy trying to bang her boss for a promotion.”

“Who is saying those things about you?” Tony demands, irritably. How dare they speak about Pepper in that way. Who the fuck did they think they were? Well, Tony was about to find out. “What’re their names? I’m firing their asses.”

“Tony,” she sighs. “That’s only going to make things worse. This is exactly why I did not want people to know because I knew this is how it would unfold. I would lose the respect of my peers and rightfully so.”

“What?” Tony frowns. “How could you say something like that? So you deserve to be punished and talked about any kind of way because we’re dating? Sure the circumstances are not ideal, but it’s certainly not the worst thing in the world, not enough for people to bad mouth you like that.”

Pepper doesn’t even respond, only lets out an exasperated sigh as she takes a seat in one of the chairs perched in front of his desk.

“This is all my fault,” Tony suddenly blurts out, in direct response to the broody expression on her face as he comes around his desk to stand before her. “I should’ve kept my big mouth shut. If I did, none of this would even be an issue. I’m sorry sweetheart. I’ll fix this mess I made.”

Pepper gazes up at him and a small, reluctant smile graces her face, and a pleasant shiver rushes up his spine in response.

“...This isn’t _entirely_ your fault,” she says in an empathetic tone. “I know keeping this a secret hasn’t been the easiest thing for you to do. And it’s not your fault that some people are choosing to behave like complete assholes about it.”

Tony smiles, moving to occupy the seat beside her. He reaches for her hand and laces their fingers together.

“I really am sorry for being such a blabber mouth. I just... I get so happy about the fact that you’re mine, I just want to tell the world about it. I know that sounds corny but-”

“No, not corny Tony, it’s sweet.” Pepper smiles that sweet and endearing smile that made the butterflies in his belly flutter uncontrollably. 

Goodness he was absolutely _pathetic_.

“Well, at least now we don’t have to be secretive anymore.”

“It was your plan all along wasn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Tony smirks.

Pepper rolls her eyes in jest and Tony laughs in response.

* * *

Tony had known, for quite some time, that he’d been in love with Pepper, longer than he’d ever be willing to admit. But, for some reason, he had difficulty acknowledging it, accepting it and recognizing that loving someone wasn’t a bad thing or something to be ashamed of.

Tony discovered that perhaps this was one of the residual effects of growing up with emotionally neglectful parents. Any expression of affection, any desires of affection, was frowned upon and deemed as negative, as a trait of weakness.

Love was a distraction. Love was useless. Love was for those that settled for less. All things that his mother had drilled into his head as a young boy, and now, as a fully grown adult in a functioning relationship; Tony found himself at conflict of what he felt was right and what he’d always been _taught_ was right.

But, as Tony lie, sprawled out on his back, watching Pepper float above him as she takes him for the ride of his life; eyes closed, lips parted, strawberry blonde tresses cascading down past her shoulders, just above her bouncing breasts as she lets out orgasm-inducing moans, Tony finds it difficult to suppress his emotions, his desires to _feel_ , for her to feel what he felt, and to know it as well as hear it from him — loud and clear. She _had_ to know, even if the feelings were not reciprocated, Tony did not give one solitary fuck in that moment. He just needed her to _feel_.

_Feel! Feel! Feel!_

“Tony,” she moans out, breathlessly. “...Oh fuck.”

She clenches her wet heat around his pulsating flesh and Tony could instantly feel the warmth of her cum through the thin sheath of the condom and he groans, loudly at the feeling. Oh God the _feeling_. It was too overwhelming; wet and warm and good. _So_ good, it almost hurt. 

And soon enough, Tony felt his cock twitching within her warm heat encasing him ever so tightly, and then, he’s coming, like the waterfalls in Niagara Falls; so powerfully, so boisterously and so beautifully, he writhes underneath her almost violently, hips stuttering off the bed as he thrusts his hips up into hers, until he’s sure she’s gotten every last drop out of him.

“Love you,” he pants out, the words slipping off his tongue with ease. “...Love you so much.”

“...I...I love you too...” He hears her stutter out, right by his ear, as clear as day.

Tony opens his eyes and meets sapphire and desire and something in his belly clenches, her words barely registering before she’s closing the distance between them.

And Tony had never felt as many emotions as he did in that moment she declared her love for him and he loved her even more for filling that void within him, ceasing that everlasting numbness he’d felt for most of his life, for being better than Johnnie Walker ever was to him, for turning Tony into a believer again, into a lover, into those wacky hopeless romantics he used to mock, for softening his hardened and jaded heart. It was all because of Pepper. All for her. Only for her does he _feel_. Oh, how glorious it was. Tony never wanted this feeling to go away. He wanted to keep it forever. He wanted it to last forever. He _needed_ it too. It’s all he has ever wanted, all he has ever needed, and all he has ever desired.

* * *

“I can’t believe Tony Stark actually love bombed a woman while in the midst of glorious fucking. Talk about the most fucked up timing _ever_.” Natasha scoffs.

“What’re you on about now, Nat?” Sam asks in a half-annoyed, half-amused tone before Tony gets the chance to.

Tony turns to his glance towards the woman he’d grown somewhat fond of and considered a friend, like Sam, with her wide green eyes and striking red hair, sighing animatedly, as if what she was about to say was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Dropping the ‘ L’ word during sex is a guaranteed way to get a disingenuous response. You’ve practically cornered the person into saying what you want them to say or else it’ll be a mood killer if they don’t reciprocate it back. A typical rookie mistake. I thought you knew better than this, Stark.”

“Don’t listen to her,” Sam reassures once Natasha is out of earshot to retrieve a coke from the vending machine, in an obvious attempt to clean up the potential mess that Natasha made, but it was too late. The seed had already been planted and the wheels had already begun turning in Tony’s head, of self-doubt, uncertainty, fucking _numbness_. And it was all because of what a former ex-stripper and part-time alcoholic had to say. How could he allow himself to crumble so easily? Perhaps, it was because Natasha’s words had not sounded that far off course and they made a lot of sense to Tony when he really pondered on it. “She’s just trying to get into your head.”

“Mission accomplished.” Tony sneers with a roll of his eyes.

“Oh, come on now Tony. You know Natasha has a thing for you. It’s why she’s always taking jabs at your relationship with Pepper. And you eat it up every time.”

Tony rolls his eyes in response, letting out an exasperated sigh as he runs his fingers through his hair. His eyes scan the room, small groups huddled together conversing, until eventually, his eyes pause on the petite, redheaded woman bent over to retrieve a beverage from the vending machine across the expansive room and his eyes linger on her physique for a moment longer than what was deemed appropriate.

Was Natasha correct in her overall analysis? Why oh why was he letting her words get to him so much? What she said didn’t matter. She didn’t know Pepper. Hell, she barely even knew him.

Sure, he’d been attending AA meetings with her for almost two years now and he’d shared certain things in front of her that he wouldn’t _dare_ tell anyone else, even Pepper. However, that didn’t mean she knew what his relationship was like with Pepper enough to come to half the conclusions that she did.

Natasha’s opinions meant as much to him as a random passerby on the street. Just because she had one doesn’t mean it holds weight or was of any significance to him.

But, if that was truly the case, then why was he _so_ worked up about it? Why the fuck _didn’t_ he feel numb? Why was he reacting with his emotions rather than objective logic like usual? Tony had not a clue. But either way, her words stuck with him, long after he finally left the AA meeting and he utterly _despised_ it.

* * *

Tony can admit that he was allowing his emotions to get the best of him. Tony was, for a lack of a better word, beginning to get a bit paranoid and a wee bit insecure. And, although he never voiced his concerns to Pepper, his actions showed what he could not articulate.

Now, Tony had never been the overly jealous or possessive type, but somehow with Pepper, he became _that_ guy. And by that he means the type that would get annoyed when he would catch other men looking at Pepper when they were out, the kind that called, face timed and texted constantly to “check in” with Pepper whenever she wasn’t under his supervision, the kind that went through her phone when she was sleeping, or showering, or cooking. Paranoid and suspicious that he would find _something_ that could give him ammunition, justification for his unwarranted mistrustful behavior.

Pepper had never given him reason to be so distrustful of her. Tony was paranoid that perhaps, he was being played like a damn fiddle. And despite the fact that things had been going wonderful in their relationship thus far, Tony was determined to come out on top if he were to find something questionable. He would be the one to hurt _her_ first before she did it to _him_. It was toxic and mean-spirited, but it made perfect sense in Tony’s addled mind that seem to never quiet down, even in the wee hours of the night and early hours of the morning just before sunrise.

It was what Pepper deserved if she planned on ripping his heart out when she’d been the first woman in his life that he ever gave a damn about. The only woman he’d freely and unwittingly opened his heart up to, making himself vulnerable for heartbreak — and yet, he did not care one bit, because he loved her and she deserved to have _all_ of him, the uninhibited version without the walls of defense and alcohol to mask his true feelings.

If all of that had been for naught... well, Tony didn’t know what the hell he would do. Nothing, no matter how outrageous, could be ruled out for him, because no one fucked with his heart and got away unscathed, _especially_ not his one true love; Pepper Potts.

* * *

“What the hell?!”

Tony’s head snaps up in genuine surprise when he sees Pepper, standing across the room in nothing but a bath towel wrapped around her slender frame, with unadulterated anger and passionate rage painted across her face at what she finds.

“Pepper-”

“What the fuck Tony?! Are you going through my phone?!”

“Who’s Steve?” He asks, voice leveled and unwavering, placid exterior masking the storm slowly but surely brewing within. “Steve Rogers, his name is saved in your caller I.D. It wasn’t programmed in there before.”

“None of you’re damn business! You’re fucking insane, Tony! This is the second time I’ve caught you going through my phone after you promised you wouldn’t do it again and you did! You lied to me!”

“Who is he?” Tony asks again, as if she had not uttered out a single word.

“Give me my phone Tony. _Now_.”

“Tell me who he is and I might.”

“You _might?!_ Are you fucking kidding me?-”

“I’m going to ask you this Pepper and I’m only going to do it once, so I advise you not to lie to me.”

“Tony-”

“Are you fucking around on me?”

“ _What?_ I can’t believe you would ask me something like that. When have I _ever_ given you any reasons to believe I would cheat on you?”

“Answer the question Pepper.” He demands, his voice still eerily calm.

“No!”

“You sure about that?”

She manages to snatch her phone out of his hand and move across the room, in search of her things.

“You’re losing it Tony. I’m leaving.”

And it was as if a light switch had flickered on and suddenly, he’s rushing over to her, apologizing profusely, begging her to stay, to forgive him.

And to his pleasant surprise; it works. His pathetic groveling works! And she’s allowing him to tug away her bath towel so it pools at her feet and she’s left utterly naked and he’s on his knees, pressing his face between her legs, soft and smooth they were, and for now, it’s enough for her. His tongue flickering between her folds is enough to soothe away the anger she previously held against him, the rage.

But for him, it’s just the beginning of something far more sinister.

* * *

Pepper puts a lock on her phone and it’s the source of a lot of their recent arguments. It sets Tony off and it makes him even more suspicious than he already was. First, some random guy popping up in her contacts and the next thing he knows, she’s putting a lock on her phone, which Tony was able to hack into because he’d caught her typing in the password in the passenger seat of his car and he’d caught the reflection of the letters she entered in.

They began texting one another and honestly, Tony can admit it was innocent enough. Nothing scandalous like he’d been half expecting.

But, it still drove Tony crazy nevertheless and he couldn’t understand what had come over him, why he was behaving like an unhinged jealous maniac.

Pepper wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was amazing. And here he was; sabotaging himself, sabotaging the one good thing in his life, the one person he loved, one of the few people he truly cares about.

Why was he steady trying to ruin a good thing? Why was he allowing all of his fears and insecurities to affect him in such a toxic, unhealthy way? Why was there a side to him that could be so self-destructive?

It was almost enough to make him long for the numbness.

Almost.

* * *

“Oh, she’s definitely fucking him.” Natasha quips, taking a long sip from her coffee cup as she leans back from over Tony’s shoulder where she gazed at the photo of Steve Rogers that Tony had sent to his email from Pepper’s phone for later reference. Was it a bit invasive? Yes. But he was sort of hoping that showing the photo to Sam and Natasha would help ease a bit of the tension he felt at the discovery of what this man looked like (which admittedly did not help with his insecurities) and they would reassure him that he had absolutely nothing to worry about. Yet, he was definitely _not_ garnering the reactions he was hoping for. “Men that look like him make for great fuck buddies. Friends? Not so much.”

“Will you cut it out Nat? You’ve filled his head up with enough bullshit already. No need to continue piling on.” Sam admonishes, then turns his round brown eyes to him. “Look Tony, you’re doing entirely too much and if you keep carrying on like this, you are going to ruin this good thing you have going with Pepper. She hasn’t given you any reason to believe she would do something like this to you. And besides, from the few times I met her, she definitely didn’t strike me as the type that would cheat-”

“They never do,” Natasha interjects, stirring around the warm beverage in her cup idly. “That’s what makes the betrayal that much more gut-wrenching. You never see it coming.”

“Don’t listen to her, Tony. She’s just jealous.”

“Jealous?” Natasha scoffs. “Jealous of _what_ exactly?”

“As if you don’t already know.” Sam sneers.

“No,” Natasha shakes her head, feigning contemplation. “I’m not sure that I do. Enlighten me, Sam. I’m all ears.” She smirks.

“I’m not about to play into your games, Natasha. You know what you’ve been doing.”

“What have I been doing Sam? Tony wanted my opinion and I gave it. Unlike you, I don’t beat around the bush or say what I think people want to hear. I speak what’s on my mind, whether people like it or not isn’t my problem.”

“You’re trying to fuck up his relationship with a good woman because you’re jealous you don’t have someone that makes you as happy as Pepper makes Tony. You’re taking advantage of his vulnerability for your personal gain and it’s a shitty thing to do to someone that’s supposed to be your friend.”

“I’m looking out for him-”

“Bullshit. You’re looking for a way in. You know you’re not as discreet as you think you are.”

“Fuck off Sam-”

“Will you two calm the hell down?” Tony interjects before things escalate further. “I’m in a relationship crisis here and I did not come to you two to hear you bicker with each other like an old ass married couple, but because you’re my friends — my only friends — and I value _both_ of your opinions _equally_. I really don’t want to screw this up.”

“You already know where I stand on it, so,” Natasha shrugs, taking another couple of sips from her coffee.

Sam sighs.

“Do you trust Pepper?”

“...Yes.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about.”

Tony stares at the other man contemplatively for a couple passing seconds before sighing heavily and nodding, taking heed to his words as best as he could.

The logical part of Tony’s brain knew Sam was spot on. Pepper is a good woman and she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him like cheat, but the irrational part of his brain completely sided with Natasha and it only fed into his preexisting suspicions, fears and insecurities.

Tony would _try_ , with all of his might, to be as level-headed about this as he could. Pepper didn’t deserve to be treated like a damn suspect when she did nothing to earn that treatment. In Tony’s warped mind she did, but in reality, she didn’t and that is all Tony needed to be concerned about — reality rather than the fantasies his brain would come up with about her riding off into the sunset with Steve and every other man that laid eyes on her in a way that always seemed to ignite an anger in Tony that was almost deadly.

He needed to get it together before this ended up as another failed relationship under his belt and he’d be back to substituting Pepper’s absence from his life with Johnnie Walker, Rain and Fury. And honestly, that would be a damn shame after he’d come this far without being so obsessively dependent on the alcohol for the first time in his life. Tony didn’t want to hit rock bottom like that ever again, but what other choice would he have? A life without Pepper was not worth living. It simply wasn’t an option for him — at all.


	2. inevitable downfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“All of the things I’ve lost, all I can do is love  
>  ‘Cause I’m a rebel, baby, I don’t play like I should  
> You held the shovel, baby, buried me in the dirt  
> I never been a Saint, baby, how does a sinner taste?” ___

* * *

“I’m sorry. Pepper I-”

“Get away from me!” Pepper screeches, flinching away from him as she holds the right side of her face.

“Pepper I’m so sorry-”

“It’s over between us. I’m done!”

“I made a mistake Pep, I didn’t mean to-”

“You put your hands on me, Tony! There’s no coming back from this. You’ve taken it too far this time.”

And Tony cannot fathom how things escalated so quickly between them the way it did. Tony had actually taken Sam’s advice and had been doing so well thus far with keeping his emotions in check — he even stopped going through her phone and searching for salacious content — but it all went to hell when he’d caught her on the phone with _him_ — Steve that is.

It was Pepper’s day off, but Tony had returned home earlier than she expected and that is when he found her in the kitchen getting started with dinner with her phone pressed against her ear, giggling like a school girl. The bouquet of flowers Tony had bought her from the local flower shop on his way back home damn near crumpling in his tightened grasp at what he found.

Tony knew it was Steve because his name had appeared as the caller I.D. when he snatched the phone away from her, which prompted a heated argument between them with him following her around the expansive home until he finally cornered her in his upstairs bedroom. What angered Tony more than anything was her refusal to admit to her wrongdoing, her treachery. Why couldn’t she just admit it? It was the blatant lies to his face that infuriated him.

All he could see at that point was red and visions of Pepper fucking that sack of shit behind his back, mocking him for the fool that he was for allowing himself to be played and strung along despite the truth (that he refused to acknowledge) being repeatedly shoved in his face time after time.

All of the anger, the suspicions, the fear, the insecurities — all of it came bubbling to the surface in that moment and it was as if he’d been possessed by the spirit of Fury, because he had never felt _this_ kind of anger in his life. And when Pepper went to touch his shoulder, it’s when he _snapped_ and suddenly, his hand was colliding with Pepper’s face before he could register the thoughts that prompted him to react like that in the first place and to Pepper of all people; his beloved Pepper.

Tony blinks and Pepper is already heading out the bedroom door with her coat, purse and shoes in tow and Tony is right at her heels, begging for her forgiveness for his depraved actions, but Pepper’s not offering up any incentive that she will be changing her mind about her decision any time soon and Tony realizes now that he has to pull out the big guns.

“If you leave, I’ll go insane. I can’t live without you.”

“You should’ve thought about that before you put your hands on me, Tony! I don’t care what you have to say, it’s over! I’ll never forgive you for this.”

“I’ll go back to the alcohol Pepper. You’ve been my only saving grace. The only woman that’s meant everything to me. If you’re not there anymore, I’ll kill myself! I know it!”

Tony’s on his knees now and he knows he looks pathetic, weak — two of the worst things a man could ever be, according to Howard Stark — but the love of his life was about to walk out of his life for good because of his own fucked up actions. Pepper had to know how apologetic he was and that, although it did not justify his behavior, he only acted like this because he loved her and was afraid that she would leave him because she deserved better than him, someone with less baggage, someone that wasn’t an alcoholic with hang-ups that stemmed from his fucked up childhood and equally fucked up view on relationships.

Tony was a hot ass mess and he was not reluctant in admitting that Pepper was too good for him. He knew it, which is why he sabotaged this relationship with her, because he’d felt like he didn’t deserve someone as good as Pepper. He was so dirty and she was so pure. She was heaven and he was hell. But he still wanted her, even if he didn’t deserve her, even after what he’s done to her.

And Pepper looks at him, sapphire eyes glaring at him with unadulterated _disgust_ , anger and hurt. So much hurt. And he knows, just by the glint her eyes that it was over. The love those sapphire eyes once held for him was now replaced with something _else_ , something disdainful, scornful, contemptuous, and truthfully, it tore his heart in two.

“I’ll die without you Pepper!” He tries, yet again, but it falls on deaf ears.

“Good, maybe then the world will be a better place.” 

And then, she’s gone.

* * *

It was ironic that, before Pepper had entered into his life, before she found him passed out in his Malibu mansion, before Pepper eventually swept him off his feet and made him feel things he never had, he resented being numb.

Before Pepper became a focal point in his life, he would drown himself in staggering amounts of alcohol, just to experience emotions he actively buried long ago as a teenager when he realized they would not garner the attention he so desperately craved from his parents. They were useless to him then, but now, as an adult, he craved to _feel_ again and the only way to _feel_ was through the alcohol. This was the way it was for many, many years until he fell madly in love with his assistant, with Pepper Potts. The woman that saved his life during a time in his life where he was not sure he even wanted to be saved.

Tony loved Pepper because she made him feel. _Feel! Feel! Feel!_ The numbness was no more and he became (perhaps unhealthily) attached to Pepper because of it. Pepper became what the alcohol used to be for him, but better. One obsession replaced with another.

But, for the first time in his life, he did not desire to feel anymore and he welcomed the numbness to return with open arms.

Pepper had given her two weeks notice — effective immediately and was steadily moving on with her life without Tony in it and it burned him up inside, even if he knew she was in the right. He didn’t deserve her, _especially_ after what he put her through these past few months of their courtship.

What the hell was he thinking? Never in his life had he ever put his hands on a woman and he couldn’t understand what possessed him to do so now. Why had he allowed himself to get emotionally tangled with the idea that Pepper could do such a treacherous thing to him? Why had he become so obsessed and consumed with the idea of her devising this elaborate plan to break his heart? And why did he become so fixated with destroying her before she destroyed him? Why did he struggle so much with accepting the fact that perhaps this woman truly loved him for him without ulterior motives? Why did he believe himself to be so impossible to love? Why did he believe that the love he deserved was conditional?

Tony hated being one of those people that blamed their present day failures on a shitty childhood, but even Tony couldn’t help but draw various parallels from his childhood to the motives behind many of the decisions he now made as an adult.

The cynical prospective he’d had pertaining to many different facets of life stemmed from the realization that everything his parents did had been motivated by self-interest, manufactured and contrived. It was as if they navigated through life like robots rather than normal humans. It scarred him indefinitely when he realized his parents did not truly care for each other the way they should have and they did not truly care for _him_ the way they should have and as a result; Tony became jaded at a very early age and cynical.

Tony despised everything his parents represented, but in truth, he’d grown up to be just like them in a lot of ways he was reluctant to admit and the unresolved issues, the resentment he held against them had never truly faded with time like he hoped they would, they simply laid dormant, suffocated by the alcohol and fully awakened when he’d gotten serious with Pepper, manifesting in ways that were toxic and self-destructive.

It wasn’t an excuse for his depraved actions towards Pepper, but he now understood why he behaved that way in the first place. Tony did find it a bit sad and pathetic it took something as dramatic as this to knock some sense into him and he wishes that things didn’t have to go this far in order for him to take the rose-colored glasses of denial off and see things for what they truly were and always had been.

* * *

Sam and Natasha are the ones that are there to pick up the pieces and mend him back together after Pepper’s departure from his life. Sam was disgusted and disappointed with him when he discovered the reasoning behind his breakup with Pepper and Tony could not fault Sam at all. He was disgusted with himself, even if he wanted her back and still hadn’t ceased his efforts in contacting her almost everyday, even with the knowledge that she would not respond, he still tried.

Tony continued attending his AA meetings, if not only because of Sam and Nat, but also to keep himself busy outside of work and his mind off of Pepper. It worked for a very short while, before things started going downhill the longer time progressed without hearing back from Pepper.

“You need to move on from her Tony. Obsessively calling and texting her everyday is not healthy.” Sam had told him one Sunday evening over a chocolate smoothie. “It’s been a month since you two broke up and she hasn’t responded to any of your messages. It’s clear she’s moving on with her life and so should you.”

What Sam was saying made sense, but Tony didn’t want to accept it as true. He wasn’t ready to give up on Pepper just yet. He knew now that Pepper was the one, the only woman he wanted a future with. There was nobody else out there for him. He only wanted her.

“She just needs more time Sam and I’m willing to give that to her, whatever it takes to have her back. I’ll do it.”

Sam offers him a look of pity and Tony disregards it. If Sam didn’t have faith that Pepper and he would make it through this hurtle then that was his prerogative. Nothing Tony could do to change it except by proving him wrong.

“So, have you met this new guy Nat’s going out with?”

Tony frowns as he chews on his french fries.

“What new guy?”

“His name is Bruce or something like that. He’s the new guy at her job and apparently they hit it off and have been going together since.”

Something tight and heavy clenches in his chest in response. The feeling is strange and unexpected. Quickly, he recovers before Sam notices his initial odd reaction.

“Well that explains why she’s been M.I.A. for a while.” Tony chuckles, reaching for his Pepsi. “I hope she’s happy at least.”

“Yeah, although I think she’s still pissed about what I said to her a while back about not being a good friend.”

“She’ll get over it eventually. Nat’s a tough cookie. It’ll take a lot more than a petty argument to get to her.”

“Yeah but, Nat’s also got an extremely soft side to her as well. She doesn’t display it often, but it’s there and I think what I said really got to her...”

“You two have been friends for almost ten years now. I don’t think she would give all that up just from an argument.”

“Nat can hold a grudge like no other Tony. I’m not sure you’re aware of this about her or not, but she’s never truly gotten over anything that’s ever happened to her and she’s been through _a lot_.”

“That makes the two of us then,” Tony chuckles despite the obvious apprehension written on Sam’s face. “Look, I don’t think it’s that serious, but if you’re that bothered over it; I can talk to her for you.”

“You can try,” Sam replies, doubtful. “She will probably be more receptive to you anyway.”

“She adores you, Sammy! A friendly quarrel won’t suddenly change that. You two will be back to your old tricks once I’ve worked my magic.”

“If you say so,” Sam shrugs.

“I know so,” Tony smirks, reaching his hand out to pluck a french fry from Sam’s plate. “Are you gonna finish those fries?”

“Mine!” Sam exclaims, slapping his hand away. 

“Ow!”

* * *

“So, tell me why I’m just _now_ finding out that you’ve been seeing someone this _entire_ time without my knowledge? I thought we were friends.”

“We are. I just didn’t think it was a big deal or that you would care that much.” Natasha shrugs, handing him a mug of freshly brewed coffee (his new alternative substitute to alcohol), plopping down on the sofa beside him, reaching for the half empty pack of Marlboro cigarettes, plucking one from the small carton and reaching for a lighter.

“But you told Sam.”

“And?”

“ _And,_ you told him and not me, is there any particular reason for why I was purposely left out of the loop?”

“Tony,” she huffs out exasperatedly. “Please tell me this isn’t the real reason you dropped by my place unannounced? To grill me about about my love life?”

“I’m not ‘grilling’ you, only asked a simple question.” Tony chuckles, taking a small sip from his heated beverage, eyes never wavering from her suspicious gaze. “Speaking of Sam, is there something that went down between you two that I’m not aware of?”

Natasha frowns.

“No. Why?”

“You sure about that?”

Another exasperated sigh from her accompanied by a roll of her eyes.

“Stop beating around the bush Tony and give it to me straight.”

“Alright,” Tony sighs, setting his mug down onto the coffee table. “Sam thinks you’re upset with him.”

“Sam is just sensitive,” Natasha replies dismissively as she exhales the tobacco from her lungs with expert ease that could’ve only stemmed from years of experience. “He wears his heart on his sleeve. A character flaw of his he has yet to master.”

“What’s so bad about being sensitive? About _feeling_ rather than behaving like an emotionless robot all the damn time?”

Natasha looks at him with a peculiar glint in her electric green eyes and Tony swallows thickly, casually glancing away and reaching for his coffee, in a poor attempt at masking the nakedness he instantly felt in that moment for unintentionally laying himself bare, open and raw for Natasha to see, analyze and pick apart.

“Feelings are overrated. They serve no other purpose than to make things more complicated than they need to be.”

Well, Tony could not argue against that sentiment. Feelings did tend to make things more difficult, more complicated and more messy. Tony can 100% vouch for that. It was enough for him to yearn for that numbness he’d grown to despise over the years to return.

Almost.

“Not always,” Tony replies with a light shrug of his shoulders. “They can be an inconvenience at best, but they’re not completely useless.”

Natasha’s brows rise in what appears to be genuine shock.

“To be honest, I’m surprised to hear you say that.”

“If this had of been several years ago I would’ve agreed with you, but then Pepper happened and well, she changed things.”

Natasha scoffs at his words, rolling her eyes and making a face that, in truth, bothers Tony.

“You don’t like Pepper, I get that, but you never explicitly told me why you don’t. You know if it wasn’t for her, I would be dead right now. She’s the one that convinced me to enroll in AA.”

“...You really want to know?”

“Obviously.”

“I think she’s a snake. I think she has you fooled and I don’t believe the relationship you have with her will last. I think she will be the cause of your inevitable downfall.”

“‘Inevitable downfall’?” Tony frowns at that. “What, you think I’m going to relapse or something?”

“You will if you don’t cut her loose.” Natasha shrugs, taking another long drag from her cigarette.

There’s a prolonged silence between them and Tony can’t help but allow her words to float around in his head a bit, even if he didn’t completely agree with her.

He eventually sighs, exasperatedly, closing his eyes briefly as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“...And Sam? Are you still going to continue giving him the cold shoulder?” Tony states, expertly switching subjects.

“I’m not giving him the cold shoulder.” Natasha replies, rather dismissively.

“Well Sam seems to think so. I thought he was overthinking things at first, but I’m starting to realize there’s a real issue here.”

“Well maybe Sam should’ve come to me instead if he’s that upset.” 

“You would’ve blown him off like you’ve been doing these past few weeks, despite your denials of doing so. Besides, _I_ was the one that came here willingly, Sam didn’t put me up to do shit.”

Natasha gives him a peculiar look as she exhales the thick smoke from her nostrils with quirked brows.

“You know, I would’ve never pegged you as the type to have a savior complex, but the more I hear you talk, the clearer it becomes.”

And for some reason, her words anger him, irritate him, and her assertions about him — about Pepper and his relationship with her — aggravate him. Natasha had a side to her that could be such a bitch. She acted like she was so above the fray, so superior, like she held all of the answers to life’s questions.

In truth, she often acted like him, at least the parts of him that he’d grown to despise the longer he lived his life in sobriety. Tony possessed enough self-awareness to recognize that.

“I don’t know how Sam has been able to put up with your bitchiness for as long as he has without taking a knife to his throat. He deserves a fucking Noble Peace Prize just for accomplishing that feat alone.” 

The words come flying out of his mouth before he can stop them and the look on Natasha’s face, the sharp glare in her emerald eyes, sends a particular chill up his spine.

Natasha doesn’t utter a single word as she discards her cigarette in the nearby ashtray, gets up and leaves the room. Tony can’t help but stare at her backside as she walks away.

Somehow, Natasha’s lack of response is worse to him than anything she could have said. A mixture of guilt, annoyance and sadness flutters through him. Although she had not responded to his harsh words, he knew what he said had hurt Natasha, even through her placid exterior of indifference, Tony knew better.

So, with a heavy sigh, Tony arises from the leather sofa, finishing off his cup of coffee and ambles across the living room towards the direction he seen Natasha disappear in.

He finds her in the state of undress, in nothing but her red-laced bra and matching red-laced thong, and he knows he should look away — _should’ve_ looked away — but he doesn’t, because Tony had never been one to deny himself the sight of a beautiful woman when he seen one and Natasha was that and more.

Tony knew that had it not been for Pepper and his fixation with her, Natasha would’ve been the type he’d entertain, not only looks-wise (because he’d _always_ had a weakness for redheads), but personality-wise as well. As much as he did not want to admit it, Natasha and he were alike in a lot of ways. Both were impulsive, both were extremely guarded (mostly due to being burned one too many times in the past), both had self-destructive tendencies, both self-sabotaged themselves way too much, both had emotionally abusive upbringings, both harbored a love and dependency on alcohol, both sought comfort and relief in all the wrong places. However, most of all: beyond the hardened exterior they presented to the world, they possessed a heart of gold that they only showed to those very few people whom they deemed worthy. 

Tony found himself not only attracted to her, but drawn to Natasha with conflicting feelings of fire and desire because she exhibited the traits he loved and hated about himself.

Natasha turns to look at him as he stands in the doorway and those wide green eyes of hers seemed to bore into the very depths of his soul with so many unspoken words. There was always a sadness in her eyes that unsettled Tony, an emptiness that truly disturbed him but intrigued him at the same time. He often wondered if he ever possessed the same look in his eyes at some point. He hoped to God he never would.

“Why’re you still here?” She asks and her tone is cool and distant, devoid of any discernible emotion.

Her guard was up. That much was obvious.

“I was being an asshole-”

“You were being truthful. Can’t fault you for that. No need to apologize when you meant what you said.”

Tony sighs, taking a step inside her bedroom as Natasha resumes undressing, as if he’s not even there.

“I have work in a few hours. I need to start getting ready, so if you don’t mind...”

“I would hardly consider ‘stripping’ work, Natasha.”

“That’s not what the men I give lap dances to every night seem to think.” Natasha smirks.

“You’re really proud of that? I thought you decided to quit stripping.”

“Yes, I am actually. I make more money in a week than most have made in their entire lifetime. And I do it as a part-time thing now. The pay was too good to give up completely. I’m not that stupid.”

“And you think that makes what you do any better? Degrading yourself in front of a bunch of horny men for cash?”

“You’re rich. You were practically born with a sliver spoon in your mouth. You have no right to judge me. You’ll never understand what it’s like to struggle or hurt for money. I don’t give a fuck if you think I’m a slut for what I do. My bills are paid and I can afford the finer things in life. That’s all I care about at the end of the day.”

Whatever retort Tony had for her died on his lips the moment she unfastened her bra and slipped out of her underwear, all in one fell swoop, leaving her naked before him.

Tony hated the way he could not take his eyes away from her, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t.

Natasha smirks, sauntering up to him, more than aware of the affect she was having on him. She wraps her arms around his neck and tilts her head a bit.

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I would think you were jealous, of what other men get to experience that you can’t... until now that is.” She giggles.

“Nat-”

She kisses him and it shuts him up completely. He doesn’t push her away like he very well should have. They were platonic friends (or used to be) and he loved Pepper, not Natasha.

Yet, Tony found himself unable to resist the beautiful woman before him that felt so soft between his fingers as he wrapped his arms around her petite frame, the softness of her lips and the swiftness of her tongue lapping around his own, drawing out a moan from the back of his throat.

He was so goddamn _weak_ and a fucking hypocrite at that! Tony had spent so much time trying to prove the fact that Pepper was cheating on him and the moment a piece of ass gets thrown his way, he doesn’t even attempt to resist the temptation. It was pathetic, but, not at all surprising.

Who the fuck did he think he was fooling? He’d been attracted to Natasha from the moment they met and he should’ve known that it would only be a matter of time before something like this took place between them. Tony had truly been psyching himself out by believing he had the discipline to befriend someone like Natasha and think it would remain strictly platonic. He wasn’t like Sam. He didn’t possess that type of willpower at all.

When he feels one of her hands slither down his chest and wrap around his erection that protruded out against his trousers, he knew he was a goner.

“...Fuck me, Tony.” She whispers in their kiss, tugging at the short strands of his hair. “Like I know you’ve always wanted to.”

And Tony does just that, hoisting her up onto his hips and crossing the short distance over to her bed and dropping her onto mattress and covering her body with his own.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Tony knew that he would probably regret this encounter, but in the moment, his main focus was to _feel_. Feel all types of pleasurable things besides the hurt, anger and longing that resulted from the absence of Pepper from his life.

Natasha could serve as a temporary placeholder until Pepper came to her senses. What was the harm in that?


	3. i want war (but i need peace)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Look at the mess I got myself in  
>  I don’t wanna get numb to the feeling  
> Will all of my sins be forgiven?  
> But I got needs  
> I want war, but I need peace  
> And you kept on calling me crazy  
> But, baby, that’s what you made me”_

* * *

“I’m pregnant.”

It’s the first words out of Pepper’s mouth when he finally sees her, face to face. Pepper would never know how ecstatic he was when she’d finally returned his unanswered phone calls. He could immediately sense something was off judging by her tone of voice over the line when she requested to meet up with him at the local community park.

It seemed as if she’d gotten even more beautiful since the last time Tony had seen her, which had been over a month ago. Her hair had grown significantly longer and her face rounder than what he remembered.

The words spill out so quickly, Tony is not 100% sure he even heard her correctly.

“Pregnant? Is that what you said?”

She nods.

“And it’s yours, in case you were going to ask.”

“I wasn’t.” Tony quickly reassures, even though he knew she wasn’t too far off base with that assumption.

“Look Tony,” she sighs, sitting down on the nearby bench, to which Tony joins her. “...I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, debating on whether I should keep this baby or not-”

“What?!-”

“I thought I would never want to speak to you again after what you did,” she says, ignoring his protests. “...But then... then I found out I was six weeks pregnant, and it changed everything...”

Pepper looks up at him, sapphire eyes wet with unshed tears and clear with a vulnerability that Tony had never seen before.

“...I want to keep it, but I don’t want to do it alone. I want my child to have the family unit that I had growing up. I don’t want to have to go through custody battles or transferring the child back and forth between homes-” Tony reaches a hand out and brushes away a strand of hair that fell into her face. She sniffles, biting down on her lip contemplatively, exhaling heavily. “...I guess what I’m trying to say is that... I’m willing to try and make things work between us, if only for the sake of our unborn child, if you are...”

“Of course,” Tony replies breathlessly. “Pepper, you’re the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. I’ll never forgive myself for the things I’ve put you through, for losing my temper the way I did and losing control like that. I never meant to hurt you Pep, you _have_ to know that. I made a mistake that I will _always_ have to live with.” He then reaches a hand out and laces their fingers together. “...You won’t have to do any of this alone. I want a life a life with _you_ Pepper, a future with you and the baby — _our_ baby. It’s all I’ve ever wanted with you and I didn’t truly realize that until you left. You’re the one Pepper. You’re _it_ for me, babe.”

The tears are emerging like waterfalls and when Tony moves off the bench to kneel on one knee, one of her hands come up to cover her mouth.

“Tony-”

“Virginia Pepper Potts, will you do me the honors of becoming my wife and making me the happiest man on earth?”

The engagement ring, he’d been carrying around for half a year. Tony was telling the truth when he said he’d known for a while now that Pepper was going to be his wife. It was truly only a matter of _when_ rather than _if_.

“Tony I — my goodness. Yes Tony! Yes! I will marry you!”

And it was almost as if the air had left his lungs as his heart rate sped to damn near abnormal levels. Shakily, he slid the gleaming diamond three carat ring onto her finger and arose to his feet, pulling her up with him and into his embrace.

He kissed her, sweetly and passionately on the lips, lifting her up a bit and spinning her around a couple times eliciting boisterous giggles from her that warmed his belly with delight.

This time, he promised himself, he would get it right. This was the second chance he’d been praying for and he wouldn’t screw this up, no matter what. He would be the upstanding husband and father Pepper deserved, no matter how frightening both prospects were to Tony. He would try to be what his own parents couldn’t be. Tony would be the one that broke the toxic cycle and prove to Pepper, himself, their child and to Howard and Maria Stark that marriage and parenthood could be happy and loving, rather than cold and dysfunctional. 

Tony was to have the happy life and marriage his parents didn’t believe existed. Tony wouldn’t allow them to win anymore.

* * *

Natasha did not react the way Tony thought she would when he informed her that what took place between them could never happen again, that he was to marry Pepper and that he was going to do right by her and their unborn child.

Natasha was unfazed by it and simply stated that he was making a mistake in marrying Pepper and that he wouldn’t realize it until it was too late.

She didn’t speak to him again after that, but on the brighter side of things, Sam was at least back on much better terms with her than he was before.

Sam, however, could sense that something had gone down between he and Natasha and even inquired about it, but Tony lied of course and made it out to be some petty quarrel between them that would blow over with time.

“I want you to be my Best Man at my wedding and the Godfather to my child.”

The look on Sam’s face is that of awe and genuine shock. It made something within Tony, something warm and fuzzy, flutter with delight at the sight of his best friend damn near gushing.

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack Sammy. You’re a good person and been a good friend to me. You’ve helped keep me on the straight and narrow and always call me out when I’m wrong. If you didn’t care, you would tell me what I want to hear all the time, but you don’t and I’ve always loved and appreciated that about you even if it can be annoying as hell.” He chuckles. “But I know you do it because you care. Of course I would want you as my Best Man and as the Godfather of the little squirt. But only if it’s something you want. I wouldn’t want to force you into anything you didn’t genuinely want.”

A bright smile emerges across Sam’s face and he reaches a hand out and squeezes Tony’s shoulder in genuine gratitude.

“Of course I want this, Tony. What you said, it means a lot to me. I know the journey to definite sobriety isn’t an easy one for either of us but, we’ll get through it together like we have been. I’m happy for you Tony. Real happy. Things can only go up from here.”

* * *

The wedding was relatively small and intimate. It wasn’t very big or elaborate the way Tony expected his wedding to be with Pepper, but she was pregnant and she wanted to have the ceremony before she began to show. She feared the reaction of her parents if they discovered she’d gotten knocked up before being married. They were the traditional type and would not be the least bit happy on hearing their daughter was shacking up with her “arrogant prick of a boyfriend,” their words, not his.

Pepper’s parents, Tony could sense, did not genuinely like him. Tony didn’t really give a fuck whether they liked him or not, he was marrying their daughter, not them, so whatever they thought of him was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. He was the father of their grandchild, so they would be stuck with him now and would be forced to suck it up.

But, Tony tried to focus on the positives of their wedding day rather than the negatives, like how beautiful his wife looked in her silky white gown as they took their first dance as husband and wife along with the kind words and well wishes from Sam at the reception.

It was almost enough to overshadow Natasha’s absence. Tony had invited her to the wedding, but Natasha did not come, which was of no surprise to Tony. He didn’t blame her, even if her absence stung if only a little, he understood and did not fault her it one bit.

Tony and Pepper spent their honeymoon in Greece; an obvious reference and throwback to the delicious, memorable meals they’d shared at the fabulous Greek restaurant on their first date. It felt like _ages_ ago but in reality it had only been two years ago.

So much had taken place within those two years, but it only led him to this moment in time with the love of his life and so Tony couldn’t say with 100% certainty that he regretted any of it — even his erratic, paranoid, jealous, unhinged behavior... Okay maybe a little, if only because of how awful he made Pepper feel as a result of it and the fact that he made a complete fool of himself in the process.

But, it was only because he loved Pepper so much, so much it hurt sometimes. He was afraid she would see him the way he saw himself and would inevitably leave him for someone better, someone less damaged and less insecure.

All of it was in his head though and he constantly gave it life by feeding into his irrational fears and insecurities. He often mixed fantasy up with reality and that was a problem that he was working through, because he had an inkling that would lead him down a dangerous path if he didn’t work to fix that. It could and would cause him a world of trouble if he wasn’t careful.

* * *

“You haven’t told anyone about the baby yet have you?” Pepper asks, emerging from the bathroom naked, with strawberry blonde locks of hair strew across her face and sticking up in different directions mostly due to their forenoon of vigorous sex.

Tony’s eyes linger on her frame as she approaches the bed and Tony yelps when she smacks his thigh playfully.

“Tony!”

“Huh? Oh, um, yeah, just Sam and Nat. Why?”

“Tony,” she whines. “I told you not to tell anyone about this yet until I was further along in the pregnancy.”

“They’re my friends Pep, it’s not like I went and babbled about it to strangers or your parents. You know I couldn’t keep something like this from them.”

Pepper sighs and snuggles up beside him underneath the covers to which Tony wraps his arms around her and pulls her in close to him, planting a kiss to her forehead.

“Alright, I guess I can let it slide.” Pepper smiles, leaning up and pecking his lips. “...Are you nervous?”

“About the baby?” She nods and he sighs. “Honestly? A little. I mean, there was a point in time where I never wanted kids, where the thought of having an entire human being with bones and blood that I could potentially screw up forever would’ve had me running for the hills a few years ago... but then you happened and changed so much of what I thought I always knew. It scared me at first. It still scares me actually, but I know that I love you and that this is what I want with you. No one else but you.” His fingers tangle in her hair and he gazes at her as they lock eyes with one another. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Pepper grins, climbing on top of him and straddling his waist.

“You really love me, Tony?”

“Yes.” Tony breathes out, gazing up at her wide-eyed and eager to please.

She leans down and brushes their noses together.

“Then show me.”

It’s all Tony really needs to hear at that point. Immediately, he flips her onto her back and crawls on top of her, careful not to crush her with his weight.

Their kisses are filthy and salacious. Tony sinks inside her with a familiarity and ease that causes tingles to reverberate throughout his body, from the tips of his hair to his toes.

“...I love you,” he pants out, lacing their fingers together and pinning her wrists to the mattress. “Tell me you love me.”

He feels her nails graze his torso and hips, digging into the soft flesh, deep enough to possibly leave marks behind in her wake. She wraps her legs around his hips and arches her body up into his.

“I love you.” Pepper moans as she slowly begins to move with him. “...I love you Tony...”

Yeah, there was _no_ way he would allow himself to screw this up. Not this time around.

* * *

The months leading up to Pepper’s last trimester was one of strife, overlapping hormones and emotions running at an all-time high and tears — lots and lots of tears.

It was peaceful in the beginning; loving, nurturing, lustful and affectionate as they slowly adjusted to married life. However, as time progressed and Pepper had reached her second trimester; it was when things had began to take a vicious, anticlimactic turn.

The honeymoon phase of their marriage was dwindling as reality began to set in for the both of them. It was as if the bigger she got, the more she began to show obvious signs of her condition, the realer it became. And that realization was a rather daunting one.

As a result, they had began to pick fights with one another over the stupidest, most superficial things. And it was Pepper who instigated most of their arguments. 

Tony can admit that adjusting to married life wasn’t the easiest endeavor, but if he could overcome his alcohol dependency, then overcoming the newfound obstacles and challenges of being a married man should be a walk in the park. 

It wasn’t.

But, Tony was at least _trying_. Pepper had to have known that. It seemed as if she was never satisfied with _anything_ he did to please her. She always found fault in all of his efforts. It was never good enough. He met all of her demands and more and yet, it seemed she was still very much dissatisfied.

Tony knew part of this had to do with the pregnancy hormones and the stress of preparing for the arrival of their firstborn child, but a large part of it was the unresolved issues they’d had against one another. The reason Tony knew this was because it had all come barreling out like vomit during one of their more intense arguments. 

Tony had been in the midst of getting ready for a night out on the town with his wife. Tony thought that taking Pepper out would help with the sour mood she’d been in for the past week. He thought it would cheer her up a bit and take her mind off of things.

But, Pepper had other plans, thus the starting point of their argument, which was the fact that Tony had informed Pepper a week in advance that he had plans on taking her out and she agreed to go, but she waited hours before they were scheduled to leave, after Tony had gotten fully dressed to inform him that she, all of a sudden, did not have the “energy” to go.

What annoyed Tony is the fact that she had to have known this the entire day she spent lounging around the house, but waited until the very last minute to inform him that she didn’t want to go.

And of course, this incited yet another passion-filled argument between them that consisted of them screaming in each other’s face, following one another around the house spewing venomous words with the intent to hurt, emotions running at an all-time high.

“I’m the one that has to carry this baby for the next five months! Why’re you acting like a narcissistic asshole?!”

“ _I’m_ the one that’s acting like a narcissistic asshole?” Tony scoffs. “Maybe you would act the same way if you were dealing with a pregnant raging bitch that’s _never_ satisfied, but alas.”

Tony knew as soon as the words left his mouth, he’d crossed the line, loss control of his temper and allowed his emotions to get the best of him. This wasn’t easy on Pepper either and he knew he should’ve been more patient and understanding of that instead of getting angry.

But, Tony had never been one to mince words and that trait of his had always served as a double-edged sword for most of his life.

But, just as regret began to consume him at his nasty choice of words; a painful, stinging sensation had soon replaced his regret and immediately, he is rendered speechless at the strength behind his wife’s backhanded slap across his face.

“You bastard.” Pepper snarls with an anger and venom that damn near flustered him.

He was _not_ expecting that slap or that fierce glint in Pepper’s sapphire eyes that seemed to burn holes into the very depths of his core with a vengeance.

And it was almost as if something unpleasant flickered within him with such a swiftness that genuinely shocked him. A familiar anger and unhinged rage set ablaze within his chest as the stinging sensation on the side of his face only aided in further fueling his anger.

Tony grit his teeth as he glared at his wife and for more than a brief second, he had the urge strike her in retaliation. 

And he knows Pepper can see it; his desire to strike back, to counterattack, to smack her right across the face so she would be rendered incapacitated enough to where she would not even possess the energy or strength to challenge him all the fucking time like she’s been doing for the past two months. She would have no choice but to surrender and submit to him and he wouldn’t have to hear her fucking mouth for a good while. That would be _so_ nice...

“What’re going to do, Tony?” She challenges, obviously trying to rile him up, provoke him and get underneath his skin moreso than she already had. “You want to hit me again? Go right ahead. Maybe if you hit me hard enough, I won’t have to worry about losing what’s left of my physique for you’re little bastard of a child.” 

Tony knows that he now has two options to choose from: either retaliate and risk things escalating even further than it already has or to flee the scene. A classic case of fight or flight.

Tony chooses to leave, because he knew if he stayed and tried to contend with Pepper, it would end in a _very_ gruesome way that he was sure neither of them truly wanted, no matter how upset they were at each other at the moment.

So, instead of taking the bait, he storms out of their bedroom, but not before retrieving his car keys that rested atop of his dresser, ignoring her audible taunts and nearly successful attempts at getting inside his head. He returns to his orange Audi and wastes no time getting the hell out of there for both he and Pepper’s sake.

* * *

“I told you marrying that bitch was a mistake.” Natasha chuckles, exhaling the smoke from her cigarette as she gazes up at her high rise ceiling. “But, as usual, you didn’t listen. Had to learn the hard way.” 

“No need to rub it in Nat,” Tony sighs exasperatedly as he sits up from the bed he shared with her, pushing the sheets away from his naked body, in search for his discarded clothes. “And she’s not a bitch, she’s just going through a lot right now with the baby and everything, on top hormonal changes. It’s an adjustment for the both of us, really.”

“So is that why you came crawling back to me for some sex therapy?” Natasha chuckles.

“Shut up,” Tony lightly scolds, suppressing an annoyed smile as he slips on his briefs, along with his trousers. “This can’t happen again, you know that right?”

“Sure it won’t.” Natasha smirks, taking another drag from her cigarette bud. “But next time, can you make sure to call first before barging into my place like a horny maniac? I missed work tonight thanks to you.”

Tony scoffs as he slips on his blazer. He digs around in his pocket for his wallet, pulling out a lump sum of cash he’d always carried around with him and moves to climb onto the bed and hands her the money that consisted of around $60k to $90k.

“Here, this should make up for what you lost tonight by missing work on the account of me.”

“That’s more like it,” Natasha smirks, plucking the money out of his hands. He chuckles and when he goes to move away, Natasha grasps hold of the collar of his blazer and pulls him in for a salacious kiss that leaves him breathless and yearning for more.

It was almost enough to make him want to stay with her, if only for just a little bit longer, but he leaves her anyway, with the taste of her on his tongue and the memory of her naked body sprawled out beneath him so ready and willing to please him.

The regret of what he’d done didn’t truly sink in yet until he found his wife passed out on the living room sofa, one hand placed atop of her protruding belly as she snoozed.

Tony stared at her for a long moment, admiring the beauty of his pregnant wife and he wonders how he could ever possess the heart to hurt her when she’d been willing to undergo so many changes to her body just so she could bring their unborn child into the world. That took more courage and strength than Tony ever possessed in his entire life. And here he was, being such a dick to her, chastising her all because she decided against going out with him tonight because she was tired.

Why was he so hard on her when he knew all of her outbursts were due to her unpredictable hormonal changes? It wasn’t her fault. She was all but a victim to these changes as much as he was was, maybe even more.

He cuts off the television and bends down to her lift her up from the sofa and carries her up the stairs to their bedroom, stripping her down to her undergarments and tucking her in bed. He leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead, stroking her hair.

“...I’m so sorry baby,” he whispers out, tangling his fingers in her hair. “I’ll do better. I promise...”

* * *

Tony and Pepper enroll in couple’s therapy not long after that blow up between them at Tony’s request. If they were going to make this work, especially now with a baby on the way, they were going to have to at least begin the process of sorting through their issues, starting with communication — one of their biggest issues.

And trust.

Along with infidelity, but Tony would never admit to that. It would, undoubtedly, ruin their marriage if he fessed up to having an affair only several months into their marriage. They were going to have a baby and something like that, he knew, they would never recover from and their child would suffer the most in the end as a result. And Tony could not have that. It simply wasn’t an option. 

They had weekly sessions about three times a week and almost immediately, Tony could sense that therapy was effective for Pepper and for himself as well. He learned a lot in those sessions with their counselor, about Pepper and about himself.

Tony had already been made aware of where his trust issues stemmed from and why he sucked at communication — neither of those things were valued in his household growing up. No one ever healthily expressed their emotions, only bottled them up, because once again, displaying any type of emotion other than strength and courageousness was seen as a sign of weakness and being weak was the absolute _worst_ thing one could _ever_ be in the Stark household.

But Pepper’s trust issues and lack of communication stemmed from her relationship with _him_. The issues for her started when he began to display blatant distrust of her and accuse her of two-timing him, along with the number he did on her when he hit her, which is what caused their breakup. It was then that she stopped trusting him and her love for him had wavered tremendously. 

In fact, it wavered so much that part of Tony was convinced Pepper had only decided to reunite with him because she was pregnant and did not want to raise their baby on her own. That realization alone hit Tony like a ton of bricks. He can admit that it fucked with him a lot more than he let on, even if he understood where she was coming from. It didn’t mean it stung any less. Pepper was still healing from all the hurt he put her through and Tony felt awful about it.

But, he was glad they were at least talking about it and acknowledging the fact that the issues they had were there. It was a lot better than sweeping them under the rug and pretending they weren’t there or dealing with them in unhealthy ways like they had before. They were making progress, no matter how little, and Tony found that he appreciated that.

* * *

“So when were you going to tell me?”

Tony turns to face Sam, genuinely caught off guard by Sam’s words.

“...What?”

Sam scoffs.

“You really thought I wouldn’t find out?” 

“Sam-” Tony tries, but it’s of no use.

“You’re fucking _married_ , Tony! You’re going to have a baby! And you’re willing to lose the life you always told me you wanted with Pepper because you can’t keep your dick in your pants?”

And Tony has no response, has no rebuttal, because he is now aware of the fact that Sam knows about his infidelity, his lack of self-control and self-discipline. Tony looks away from Sam and hangs his head in complete and utter shame and Sam sighs.

“Look Tony, you know I care about you, _a lot_ , but I don’t want to see you ruin your life because you can’t see the forest for the trees. You’re a married man now that’s about to start a new chapter in your life. You can’t move the way you used to, because it’s not about _you_ anymore. You have a wife and child to take care of. Whatever you do, good or bad, will inevitably effect them.”

“...I know.” Tony whispers, dejectedly.

“Do you Tony? Do you _really_ get it? Because sometimes, I don’t think that you do.”

“No, no I do, Sam. I really do. It’s just... I guess I don’t know how to get out of my own way sometimes.” Tony sighs, running a hand down his face tiredly.

“That much is obvious,” Sam chuckles, shaking his head, which draws out a reluctant smile from Tony as well. “...But seriously Tony, if you don’t get your shit together now, it’s going to blow up in your face again and this time, you might not recover from it.”

Tony stares at Sam as he feels unsettling chills reverberate throughout his body in direct response to his words, because he knew Sam was right, like he usually was about these kinds of things. Tony found that equally annoying as it was admirable.

But one of the many things Sam was right about was the fact that if he didn’t get his shit together and _soon_ , he would lose Pepper and the thought of losing her felt like one of his worst nightmares come true. He’d already lost her once, he refused to lose her again. It wasn’t an option for either of them.


	4. after the storm is when the flowers bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“The sun’ll come out, nothing good ever comes easy  
>  I know times are rough but winners don’t quit  
> Don’t you give up, the sun'll come out  
> We’ve been struggling endlessly  
> Someday we’ll find the love  
> ‘Cause after the storm’s when the flowers bloom” ___

* * *

When Pepper had finally given birth to their daughter; Morgan Hadley Stark, Tony doesn’t believe he’s ever loved anyone else as much as he loved that little girl that came into the world whaling her little eyes out (she really had a set of lungs on her), naked and practically as small as a golf ball and as red as a tomato!

Tony couldn’t believe she was finally here. It seemed to make all of the blood, sweat and tears that led up to this moment worth it. It was only when he laid eyes on his little girl for the very first time did it truly click for him. Tony had never considered himself to be the mushy type, but he knew he would be lying if he said that his heart had not swelled with so many emotions. It was overwhelming and it made tears well up in his eyes in response to her little cries that reverberated throughout the entire hospital room as he cut her umbilical cord with shaky hands.

Morgan Stark was beautiful and Tony knew in that moment, when he held her in his arms for the very first time and she snuggled up into his chest, yawning and dozing off to sleep, that there was no way he would allow anyone to harm her. He would guard his daughter with his life. He would die for her. He wouldn’t treat her the way he had been treated by both of his parents. He would do for her what they were unable to do for him, which was love his daughter unconditionally. He would lead by example and show Morgan that love _did_ exist, without limits or conditions. He would be there for her every step of the way, protect her and guide her when she needed it. Tony hoped that he would be better than his parents ever were to him, so much better, and that he would be the one to finally break the cycle of generational dysfunction. Not only for himself, but for Morgan as well. It was what his baby girl deserved.

The day seemed to stretch on, filled with joy and happiness brought about by the new edition. Pepper had been exhausted and fell asleep not long after holding Morgan for the first time. She ended up sleeping for the remainder of the day. Tony couldn’t blame his wife one bit. She went into labor late the previous night and she'd been up since then, in labor for about eight or nine hours straight, so he knew that she had to be not only relieved but worn out by it all.

Pepper’s parents left after Pepper had fallen asleep, but not before congratulating him on his newfound fatherhood, which Tony appreciated, even if he knew he still wasn't their favorite person, even after fathering their first grandchild.

Sam stuck around for a while longer (Natasha wasn't there for obvious reasons), cooing over his newborn like the proud uncle and godfather he was.

“She really is beautiful, Tony. She looks just like you.” Sam smiles, momentarily taking his eyes off the peaceful slumbering newborn in his arms.

“I don’t want to screw this up, Sam.” Tony blurts out, which seems to momentarily startle Sam. "This whole fatherhood thing is new to me. And you were right, about what you said all those months back, any decision I make going forward will effect her. What if she ends up hating me?”

Tony was never the one to lose his cool in stressful situations (okay, maybe he did a few more times than he was proud of), but _this_ was different. This would be one of the most, if the most important task he would ever take on that would last a lifetime. This involved an entire human being with bones and blood and a beating heart that he was now responsible for. He doesn't know what he would do if Morgan grew to resent him the way he resented his parents, even in death.

“You should give yourself a bit more credit here, Tony. You’re not perfect, none of us are, but you’re not as horrible as you think you are. You’re going to be a great dad. I seen the way you look at her Tones, you love her too much to ever hurt her. You and I both know that.”

A small, reluctant smile emerges across his face as he moves across the room to sit down beside him, gazing down at his slumbering daughter in Sam’s arms and his heart flutters in his chest at the sight.

Tony sighs, reaching a hand out to gently brush it against his daughter’s soft cheek.

“...Sometimes, I feel like you have more faith in me than I do in myself.”

“That's because you’re a self-depreciating fool. I thought we both knew this about you by now.”

“But you love me anyway Sammy, don’t you?” Tony teases.

“Unfortunately.” Sam chuckles and Tony smiles.

Later on that night after everyone left, Pepper awakened to breastfeed Morgan. Something about the sight brought on another wave of emotions he was not expecting to have.

“...Are you crying?” Pepper asks in a teasing tone with an exhausted smile on her face as she gazes over at him from the hospital bed.

“Can you blame me?” Tony chuckles, wiping at his eyes as he moves to stand beside her bed, running a hand through his wife’s hair, matted and disheveled it was due to the strain of bringing their child into the world. He then leans down to press a soft kiss to her forehead as he sighs. “...Thank you.”

“For what?” Pepper asks, looking up at him and back down at their daughter.

“For many things, but most of all: gifting me with the sweetest, most precious little girl I’ve ever seen. I know it wasn't easy for you, but you pulled through and persevered to give me something money could never buy... I can never thank you enough.”

Pepper gazes up at him, speechlessly, through the tears that stained her cheeks, tears of happiness Tony can only assume, and he leans down and kisses her.

“...I love you.” He whispers out moments later as he slowly pulls away to gaze into those sapphire eyes that always seem make his heart feel like it nearly skipped a beat.

“I love you too.” Pepper smiles tearfully.

* * *

Tony had expected things to be smooth sailing after Morgan was born. After all, Pepper would no longer have to deal with the mood swings, the nausea, the weird food cravings at oddest hours of the day and the stress of carrying an entire human being in her belly anymore.

But, as usual, Tony was wrong.

Tony didn't notice it at first; the way Pepper would pawn Morgan off on him whenever she would cry, or whenever it was time to change her diaper or make her bottle.

Perhaps, Tony hadn’t initially noticed Pepper’s odd behavior because surprisingly, Tony did not mind doing all of those things. He _loved_ spending time with his baby girl and he actively looked for any excuse to spend more additional time around her, no matter how many stinky diapers he had to change to get just that.

But, what initially tipped Tony off was the fact that Pepper had not wanted to breastfeed Morgan, which Tony thought to be odd because Pepper had expressed to him in the very beginning that she wanted to breastfeed their child due to all of the amazing health benefits of doing so, which Tony also agreed, but now, she acted like she would rather take a gun to her head than breastfeed.

_That_ was only one of the first red flags Tony had picked up on. Another red flag for him was the fact that Pepper did _not_ want to hold Morgan anymore. Pepper did it all the time when they had first brought Morgan home and the following months thereafter, but now, she avoided doing it like the plague, like Morgan was a disease she did not watch to catch.

And Tony had also always been the one out of them both that tended to Morgan whenever she would cry uncontrollably. Pepper had never initiated it and Tony found that to be just as odd and a bit unsettling. Hell, if it was up to Pepper, Morgan would cry her eyes out all night and no one would be the wiser.

The final straw for Tony though had been when he’d gotten back home from work and found Morgan in the sink (Thank God the water had drained out or else she could’ve drowned!) where Pepper had left her while she lay passed out on the couch, whether from alcohol or mere exhaustion, Tony did not know nor did he care.

Nevertheless, Tony went _off_ on her.

“How the hell could you be so careless Pepper?! I leave you with her for a few hours and you manage to nearly kill our daughter by leaving her in the sink for who knows how long! She’s probably starving!”

“She’s fine Tony. It was an honest mistake-”

“Honest mistake my ass! You did this on purpose!”

“Why would I intentionally leave my daughter in the sink? What sense does that make?” She argues.

“I don’t know what the hell is going on with you Pepper, but from now on, you’re not to be alone with Morgan anymore. I can’t trust that you will protect her.”

Pepper doesn’t argue him on it. Instead, she lets out a few incoherent curse words and sends him a few filthy looks before ascending the stairs and slamming what Tony assumes to be their bedroom door shut. Tony flinches in response and slowly gazes down at his daughter, whose whales began to soften the longer he held her. He leaned down and kissed her reddened cheeks.

“I’m so sorry sweetie,” he soothes, rubbing her small back as he gently rocks her back and forth, pacing the floor. “I’m here now. Daddy's here. It’s okay...”

Morgan’s cries eventually turn to soft hiccups and he sighs in relief as he ascends the stairs and goes to Morgan’s room, picking out a baby pink onesie as he lays her down on the changing table.

“You’re okay sweetheart. Everything's okay...” He begins to lotion her up and even leans down to blow bubbles on her belly, which evokes soft coos and giggles from the five month old. She always loved when he did that. "There’s that beautiful smile Daddy wanted to see!” He chuckles.

After slipping on her onesie, he picks her up and carries her back downstairs and makes her a bottle. He was sure she was probably hungry. Tony wasn’t sure if Pepper had fed her yet, but to err on the side of caution, he fed Morgan anyway and judging by the way she gobbled down the formula, he can only assume Pepper hadn’t fed her, which only further infuriates Tony.

He waited until Morgan fell asleep, gently placing her in her crib before confronting Pepper yet again for her carelessness. He found her lounging on their bed, on her phone, briefly gazing up at him as he closed their bedroom behind him.

“If you’re coming in here to yell at me some more, forget it. I already feel awful enough about it.”

“What’s going on with you Pepper?”

“What do you mean?” Pepper asks, never taking her eyes off her phone.

Tony sighs exasperatedly and snatches the device from her hands and tosses it to the floor.

“Tony!-”

“You left our daughter in the fucking sink! She could’ve drowned! Do you not get how serious that is?! This isn’t like you Pepper — _at all!”_

“What do you want me to say? I made a mistake and it’ll never happen again-”

“You’re damn right it’ll never happen again, because I’m not letting you anywhere _near_ her until I find out what the hell is up with you.”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, Tony!” Pepper exclaims. “I made _one_ mistake and you’re already trying to label me crazy?! As many mistakes that _you_ have made that I have forgiven you for when I probably shouldn’t have!”

_“This_ is different Pepper and you _know_ it! This mistake could have cost our child’s _life!_ That’s inexcusable. You need help and you’re going to get it, whether you like it or not. It’s either that or I will never allow you near her again. And you know I have the resources to make that happen, so don’t you fucking test me on it.” Tony then rips his tie off, along with his blazer and turns to face her from across the room, where she still lounges on their king sized bed in her silky night gown. “...I love you Pepper, you _know_ that, but don’t you ever make me feel like I have to choose between you and our daughter.”

Pepper is left speechless and Tony leaves to shower. He could only hope that she took heed to his words because he meant them. Every last word.

* * *

“She left her in the _sink?”_ Sam exclaims, incredulously. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“I wish I was,” Tony sighs exasperatedly as he gazes down at his baby girl who wiggled around in the carrier strapped to his chest. He reached a hand down and ran his fingers through her soft brown hair that had grown exponentially in the last few months, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “I came home and Morgie was crying her little eyes out for who knows how long while Pepper was passed out on the couch. I have no idea how she can sleep through Morgan's cries like that... It drives me crazy.”

“Wow, I can’t believe she would do something like that. It doesn’t sound like Pepper at all.”

“I don’t know what’s been going on with her lately.” Tony says, gazing out onto local community park where children much older than Morgan ran around the playground like unhinged maniacs while their parents busied themselves on their phones, seemingly relieved to finally have a break away from the hellions they called their children. Tony wondered if that would be him in a few years. God he hoped not. “...I’m worried about her. I know she would never intentionally hurt Morgan, but...”

“But what?”

Tony turns to look at Sam, pausing in his footsteps, feeling the cool summer breeze caress the open parts of his skin and the warmness of Morgan’s breath on his neck as one of her small hands came up to grasp at his goatee playfully.

“...Sometimes, I worry, y’know?”

Sam nods solemnly and they resume their stroll on the dirt trail leading to the open area of grass.

“Well, something is obviously wrong.” Sam says, eventually pulling out a wool blanket from his bag and spreading it out onto the grass in a secluded area they chose that was a good distance from the park. “Look, you know I’m not a doctor or anything so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but maybe she’s suffering from Postpartum depression? My sister had it bad when she had her first child and a lot of the symptoms she had sound similar to Pepper’s behavior towards Morgan.”

Tony gazes over at Sam with a stupefied expression on his face as something seems to click for him. Tony couldn’t believe it never occurred to him that Pepper could be struggling with Postpartum depression. It made sense. Tony didn’t know much about all of what Postpartum entailed, but he knew enough to know that it caused difficulty for many mothers to naturally bond with their babies in a way that they should, along with intense irritability and mood swings. Pepper fit the description seamlessly and Tony couldn't believe he hadn’t caught on sooner to what his wife might have been dealing with, whether she was aware of it or not.

“Oh my God...” Tony breathes out, as he unstraps Morgan from her carrier. “You might be onto something here. I can’t believe I never considered that a possibility before.”

“It’s something to consider a possibility." Sam shrugs. "I can’t see Pepper behaving that way without it being a valid reason behind it.”

Just then, Morgan crawls away from him and over to Sam, to which Sam scooped her up and stood her up on his knee, bouncing her up and down as the little girl cooed in response. Tony couldn't help but feel something warm and fuzzy in his belly at the sound of his daughter’s boisterous giggles, despite the dread he felt inside at the realization his wife was possibly suffering from depression.

“Tomorrow, I’m taking her to the doctor and I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”

“Good,” Sam smiles, gazing down at Morgan that now occupied his lap and attempting to put grass in her mouth. “No, sweetheart, don’t eat the grass.”

“She’s already teething," Tony chuckles. “She wants to put everything in her mouth. Yesterday, I caught her trying to put a Lego block in her mouth. She would have choked on it had I not been keeping an eye on her.” Tony then shakes his head with a peculiar glint in his eyes. “...She really scares me sometimes. I feel like every time I look away, something bad will happen. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to her on my watch. I would never be able to forgive myself.”

“Nothing will happen Tony. You’re an attentive, carrying father, just like I said you would be. But you have to stop overthinking. I know it’s hard, my sister was the same way when she had her first kid, but she eventually mellowed out once she got the hang of things. I think the same will happen with you. Once you get the whole Pepper situation handled, it won’t feel so overwhelming.”

“You think so?" Tony chuckles, halfheartedly. "I feel like this is something that will be forever.”

“It probably will, but, it’ll get somewhat easier... eventually.”

“If you say so.” Tony sighs.

“Oh, what a lovely couple!” A feminine voice calls, startling both men before they turned in the direction the voice came from, which belonged to a woman that appeared to be middle-aged, short brunette hair, a little on the plump side with dark blue eyes and a friendly smile as she approached the two. “Is this your baby? What a sweetheart!”

“Um... we’re not-”

“How old is your little girl?” The unnamed woman asks Sam cheerfully, cutting him off completely.

“Six months!” Tony answers with a bright, smug smile, ignoring the discreet glare Sam sent him. “She’s brought nothing but joy into our lives since she was born. Isn’t that right, honey?”

“...Yes,” Sam utters out through gritted teeth. “Nothing but pure, unadulterated joy.”

“You two make such a sweet couple. I know this little cutie pie is in great hands.”

“You bet.” Tony grins.

“You are such an ass.” Sam lightly scolds once the woman leaves them be.

“What?” Tony laughs heartily. “That woman already had her mind made up. Who was I to crush her dreams? Besides, I think we would make a nice looking couple in an alternate universe.”

“Shut up.” Sam laughs.

* * *

It turns out that Sam was right about Pepper. After evaluation from a doctor, she was diagnosed with Postpartum depression and subsequently prescribed antidepressants.

Tony made sure she took them as often as recommended by the doctor, no matter how many times Pepper teased him because of how much of an anal retentive he was about it and for good reason, because within a few days of her on the medication, Tony had already began to notice a change in Pepper’s behavior almost immediately. It was as if she was back to her usual self, the Pepper he knew and loved, but much more chipper and lively, which Tony did not mind in the least bit. It was better than the irritability and the overall disinterest from her, not only in their marriage, but also in their child as well.

Pepper had become more active with Morgan than she had been before and Tony, for the first time, could finally see that love and adoration in her eyes whenever she held Morgan in her arms or changed her diaper or played with her. Before, those sapphire eyes used to be filled with such vacancy, but now, they were filled with a profound love for their little girl and it truly warmed his heart.

Tony found that he could finally trust her again, not only with Morgan, but with his heart and although there was still more work to be done, more healing and forgiving to do on both ends, they were at least making progress, no matter how minimal it was or how seemingly slow it felt. They were trying and that’s all that truly mattered in the end.


	5. burnt bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I loved you well just for you to turn to an enemy  
>  I love the smell of you burnin’ your last bridge with me” ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter.  
> Five years have passed.

* * *

Tony awakens to the feeling of something heavy on his chest and belly and warmth on his neck, which incites a slight groan from the back of his throat. He opens his eyes and is immediately met with a pair of wide, hazel brown eyes staring down at him with anticipation.

“Daddy!”

“Morgan,” Tony groans. “What’re doing up?”

“Mama woke me up!”

Tony frowns, turning his head to the side, only to find the space beside him empty and seemingly untouched. He barely has time to ponder the implications of that before his daughter is tugging on his shirt and bouncing around on top of him.

“Dada! Dada! M’hungry!”

“Alright, alright,” Tony sighs, scooping his little girl up in his arms as he rolls out of bed, blinking the sleep away from his eyes. “What do you want for breakfast sweetheart?”

“Coco Puffs!” Morgan cheers.

“No. No more Coco Puffs. You’ve had Coco Puffs for majority this week. You need to eat something else.” Tony sits Morgan on the stool near the counter and goes through the cabinets. “How about PB&J sandwich? Or-”

“I want Coco,” Morgan pouts. 

“Morgan,” Tony says, in a tone that lets his daughter know there was no room for further negotiations or arguments. “Daddy told you before that you needed to lay off the sweets, Coco Puffs included. Besides, you’re last dentist appointment went so well. You were the only kid there with no cavities, but if you don’t stop with the sweets, you’re going to end up with a cavity, which will lead to having to get a filling and fillings are not fun. You remember what I told you about fillings, right?”

“...Yes...” Morgan pouts, poking her lip out in a way Tony always found adorable.

“You don’t want them sweet pea, which is why I’m temporarily cutting you off from the sweets. It’s for your own good.”

Morgan did not appear all that comforted by his words as he slid the bowl of cheerios in front of her, but she didn’t continue to fuss and proceeded to eat her breakfast. Tony kissed her forehead and ascended up the stairs to get dressed for the day. 

Tony thought about Pepper as he took a quick shower. This was the third time in a row that she’s done this, sneaking out in the wee hours of the morning before the sun came up that is, returning just before noon. It was becoming a pattern now and when Tony confronted her about it the last time around, she claimed she took up early morning jogging now as a new hobby of hers and to “burn off steam,” but Tony couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was amiss.

So, following his intuition, Tony waited until Pepper slipped into the shower to check her duffel bag and what he discovered confirmed his suspicions. Tony didn’t immediately confront her about his suspicions because even after finding the skimpy clothing, the makeup and box of opened condoms — he still needed proof, concrete, unadulterated proof of her infidelities. 

Tony formulates his plan as he dressed in joggers and a light fleece sweater suited for the fall weather. Tony returns downstairs to check on Morgan, to find her finishing up her cheerios.

“Finished?” He asks before taking her bowl.

“Yes,” she nods, licking her lips and swinging her legs in delight.

“Good girl,” Tony smiles, washing her bowl off in the sink and slipping it into the dishwasher. 

“Daddy?”

“Mmhm?”

“Can we go to the park today?”

“Well,” Tony says, feigning contemplation. “Since you’ve been such a sweet girl and ate all of your veggies last night like I asked without fuss, yes, we can go.” Tony smiles.

“Yay!” Morgan cheers, clapping her small hands together excitedly.

“Alright, let’s go get you dressed.” Tony replies, taking her by the hand and leading her back up the stairs.

* * *

“Not this again,” Sam grumbles.

“How do you explain the opened box of condoms and skimpy outfit? It’s quite obvious she’s not where she says she is at when she is sneaking out at the crack of dawn. What else am I supposed to think?”

“How about giving her the benefit of the doubt? I mean, just because you weren’t exactly 100% faithful doesn’t mean Pepper isn’t.”

Tony turns to look at Sam, who simply shrugs his shoulders in response as he finishes off his ice cream cone.

“Look,” Tony sighs. “I never said I was perfect or that I have been the upstanding husband that I should’ve been, but I love Pepper. I always have and I always will, despite both our issues. We have Morgan now, which completely changes things. It will never be like how it was before. We’re bonded forever through our daughter and everything we do now will effect her...”

Tony then gazes out onto the playground, eyes locking with his five-year old daughter, sharing a tire swing with a little boy with brown skin and a head full of curls, giggling. Tony suspected that his daughter might’ve had a crush on the boy and he also suspected that it was the motivating factor as to why she always wanted to go to the park. Tony was pretty sure the little boy’s name was Jori (Morgan would not stop talking about him whenever they left the park), though he could not recall the boy’s last name for the life of him.

Tony sighs.

“...I don’t know what I would do if Pepper was... if she...” Tony cannot even get the words out of his mouth, the very thought of Pepper seeing someone else behind his back ignited unpleasant feelings within that were almost frightening to Tony, destructive, pernicious and... rather deadly.

“Maybe you two should reconsider going back to marriage counseling. It seemed to really help you two in the beginning...”

“I tried,” Tony sighs, shaking his head. “I want to, but she refuses and it’s not like I can force her to go.”

“Well, if you want my unsolicited advice; I think you should just be truthful with Pepper, about what you found and ask her about it.”

“And if she lies to me again?” Tony turns to look at Sam, with a glint in his eyes that reflected sheer hopelessness and despair, he was sure. “...Then what?”

“If you think she’s lying, then the next logical step is to get proof, unadulterated proof that she won’t be able to deny.”

Tony’s quiet now as he ruminates over Sam’s words for a long moment. He gazes back out onto the playground and finds his daughter building a sandcastle with Jori in the sandbox. And Tony thinks about how this will effect his daughter, his sweet Morgan, his heart, his everything. The absolute _last_ thing he wanted was for her to be hurt or negatively effected by he and Pepper’s drama, even if, deep down, he knew she would be effected anyway.

Tony hoped it would never come down to that. Although he was many things, a fool was not one of them and he knew Pepper was lying to him, he just hoped it wasn’t about what he suspected it was.

“...Nat’s asked about you.”

Something flickers across Tony’s eyes, startling him out of his reverie of thoughts, and onto the green-eyed redhead he once considered his friend. Tony had not spoken to Natasha in quite some time. After Morgan came along, Tony cut things off with Natasha and poured all of his energy into Morgan and rectifying his marriage with Pepper. Natasha, of course, did not even pretend to be okay with it and stopped talking to him altogether. She had even stopped attending AA meetings which concerned both Tony and Sam, frightened that she might have relapsed. Thank God she didn’t.

Tony was able to keep tabs on Natasha through Sam, who, from time to time, divulged her current whereabouts and how she was doing overall. Tony pretended as if he did not care either way, but in truth, he did and he suspected Sam knew too, which is why he would always bring her up without Tony ever having to awkwardly initiate it, which Tony was thankful of Sam for.

“Oh?” Tony answers nonchalantly as he takes a sip from his coffee cup.

“Mmhm.” Sam nods. “In fact, she wants to see you, in-person.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And to be honest, I’m glad. I’m tired of playing telephone between you two. It’s time you two start behaving like the adults you are and speak face to face. You obviously still care about one another.”

“Yeah...” Tony trails off, thoughtfully.

“So? Is that a yes?”

Tony nods.

“Yeah... it is.”

“Good,” Sam smiles. “Just don’t sleep with her again and you should be fine.”

“Shut up!” Tony laughs, despite the slight apprehension he feels within.

* * *

Tony confronts Pepper when he returns home and finds her moving around in the kitchen. He sends Morgan up to her room and wastes no time inquiring about her whereabouts that morning and of course, she lies to him, yet again, even after he divulges to her what he found in her duffel bag. 

“You went snooping through my things, Tony? Really? I thought you were above this, that you changed, but apparently not.” Pepper sneers.

“What do you expect me to do when you refuse to be truthful with me?” Tony exclaims.

“You’re insufferable Tony, you know that? Five years of marriage and nothing has changed. You’re still the same unfaithful, arrogant prick that hides behind his wealth so you won’t have to face the insecure, damaged and broken man that you are on the inside!”

And Tony is shocked into silence. Whatever rebuttal he had for her died in the back of his throat. He must’ve looked like he’d seen a ghost because all Pepper did was laugh at him, in a taunting manner that angered Tony because it reminded him of the way his father used to laugh at him whenever he did something that didn’t live up to his standards (which was pretty much everything Tony did). It was one of derision and disdain that barely hid the bubbling anger beneath a seemingly placid exterior.

“You really believed I didn’t know Tony? That I was _that_ naive?” Pepper laughs again in that same derisive tone that he absolutely _despised_ and all he wants to do in that moment is strangle her.

The thought alone shakes Tony to his core, because he’d never been a violent person (except when he drank and Fury would make himself known) and for the most part, majority of his anger was self-destructive and based upon self-hatred more than anything else.

But Pepper... she was the only person that had that kind of power over him, the kind that could drive him absolutely insane if he allowed it to. Tony loved her so much, but just as she could make him feel like he was the happiest man on earth and on cloud nine, she could also make him feel like he was no better than the gum stuck at the bottom of her shoe and as if his soul was so repulsive and vile that it was destined to the most wretched parts of hell.

The juxtaposition of the intense emotions she caused him to feel on a regular basis could be just as exhilarating as it was draining. Tony found himself addicted to it in the same way he’d been addicted to his Johnnie Walker and now Pepper, despite the toxicity of it all. 

“I should’ve listened to my parents,” Pepper shook her head, running shaky fingers through her hair. “They knew you weren’t shit. I knew too, but I stuck it out for Morgan. If it wasn’t for her, I would’ve left your ass a long time ago.” She spits out, venomously. “And as a matter of fact, I’m glad you did what you did, because I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for a while now.”

“Pepper-”

“I want out of this, Tony.”

Tony frowns at her words, heart racing as he reaches to touch her, but she flinches away from him in unadulterated disgust.

“Pepper, what are you-”

“I want a divorce Tony. I want out of this marriage. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that I’m this happily married stepford wife anymore. I’m not happy and no matter how much counseling that we have done, it won’t change the fact that I’m not in love with you anymore. I only stayed because of Morgan. I didn’t want her to grow up in a broken home or having to go through custody battles between us, but I know now that if I stay, in a loveless, unhappy marriage, it will be worse for her. I want her to know what real love looks like. I don’t want her to grow up thinking it’s okay to stay in unhealthy situations or to ever think it’s perfectly fine to put her mental health to the back burner for someone else when it’s not.”

Tears sprang to her sapphire eyes that appeared a bit darker than usual, heavy with something she had been carrying around for quite some time. Tony couldn’t recall ever seeing that look in her eyes before, perhaps he’d ignored it or been in denial about it, like he had been all these years regarding the problems in their marriage. The things that Pepper was saying did not surprise him in the least bit, because he suspected she felt that way for the longest and that she had only agreed in marrying him solely because of Morgan, although he still wanted to believe there was still love there. Perhaps that was wishful thinking on his behalf, but either way, his heart still shattered at her words, because he wasn’t ready to _hear_ them. He didn’t _want_ to hear them at all.

Pepper gazed at him as silence engulfed them, tears streamed down her cheeks and her eyes now brewing with a storm of emotions, unwavering as she opened her mouth and uttered the next few words that nearly made his blood run cold.

“And you’re wish finally came true; I _am_ seeing someone else, since before we got married and I haven’t stopped seeing them since.”

And Tony knows, right then in that moment, that he needs to leave. Because if he didn’t, he knew for sure that he would do something he may regret, something he may never be able to take back and as angry as he was with Pepper, he knew he needed some time to get his head together before responding.

So, he follows his first mind and leaves. Pepper doesn’t move to stop him like he half expected her to, only watched him walk right out the door, most likely hoping he would never come back through it again.

* * *

The familiar itch returned, the itch that had been drowned out and regulated to the background, the itch he truly had no desire to scratch until now. And he didn’t even have the strength to fight it any longer. The years of counseling, of AA meetings, of sobriety — all of it down the drain because he could not handle the fact that he’d been in this thing with Pepper alone, he had been in it for the long haul and yet, she had told him to his face that all of it meant nothing. What they had meant nothing. _He_ meant nothing.

The numbness was returning and it was what ultimately drove him back to the bottle, because despite how awful he felt, nothing was worse for him than the numbness. He would rather _feel_ , than return to never feeling at all.

Tony spends the majority of the day drowning in his sorrows, pacified by the alcohol, and temporarily reassured that, in the end, everything would turn out okay, even if, in reality and within the very depths of his soul, he knew it wouldn’t be. He knew this wouldn’t end well, knew this was heading down a path they would never be able to recover from.

But, for now, as long as he had his Johnnie Walker in his system, pumping through his veins, clouding his mind up with haze, blocking out where his thoughts of his wife used to be, he would be okay, for now, at least.

* * *

Tony had begged for Pepper to stay with him, to never leave him, to rethink her decision. He got down on his knees and _begged_. He was sure he looked absolutely pathetic, because he sure as hell felt like it, but he didn’t care. He was trying to salvage the life they had built together, though not perfect, it meant something to him and saved him from a life of loneliness, of despair and potentially drinking himself to death. He was trying to salvage the little bit of happiness he was able to acquire in his life, prevent it from slipping through his fingers and leaving him for eternity.

Perhaps, the reason why he was struggling so much to accept his inevitable fate was because he knew that once it was gone, he would never have it again. Pepper was his last and only hope and she was hanging on by a measly thread, wiggling about to be set free from his restraints.

Tony struggled _so_ much with this. Pepper had gifted him with something his money could never buy. A beautiful and intelligent baby girl whom he loved more than anything, more than himself, more than the Johnnie Walker, more than any material possession he’d ever been given in the course of his life, more than everything. Morgan and Pepper were the best thing that ever happened to him in the fifty pathetic years he’d been on this earth and Pepper wanted to ruin it. She wanted to ruin what they had and the beautiful life they created. She wanted to ruin _him_.

His pleads, no matter how tearful and earnest he was in them, only seemed to make things worse and ultimately fall on deaf ears. The glint in his wife’s sapphire eyes confirmed his worst fears come true. The love was gone, the compassion and empathy was no more. Pepper was done. And it was truly over. It was evident to Tony that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. The love she once had for him was eradicated completely. Pepper was divorcing him and she had no intentions on reneging on that. Her mind was made up and there was nothing Tony could do about it.

It angered Tony, infuriated him. But what truly set him off was when Pepper had informed him that she wanted full custody of Morgan, because she knew that he had broken his sobriety. Pepper deemed him unsuitable for fatherhood and did not want Morgan’s alcoholic father around her in fear of being a “bad influence.”

As if Tony had not been pushed far enough towards the ledge, the fact that Pepper was threatening to take away one of the only people that gave a rat’s ass about him was enough to push him over the cliff into the abyss.

Tony wasn’t sure if it was truly himself or Fury, but either way, Tony had completely flipped. It was as if a switch had been turned off and something _else_ took over. Something malevolent, hateful and filled with unadulterated _rage_ that was liable to kill, if need be.

His marriage falling apart was one thing, but taking away his daughter was a whole other thing and he would destroy anything and anyone who threatened to come in between that. He made a promise to himself and to Morgan the day she was born that he would protect her with his life and he planned to make good on that promise.

A life without Morgan was not a life worth living. Tony would do _whatever_ it took to keep her in his life, even if it meant that Pepper would no longer be in the picture.

And _that_ is when he began devise the plan, the wheels in his head turning as he barricaded himself down in his lab as Pepper had movers coming in and out of the Stark household to gradually begin the process of moving out.

Tony had begun to concoct the unthinkable.

Murder.

* * *

The thing with planning a murder is that it wasn’t nearly as easy as Tony had hoped it would be.

Planning someone’s murder took a special type of patience and expertise that, thankfully, Tony had not been completely unaccustomed to.

Despite Tony’s genius, he knew that he would not be able to execute this alone. He would need additional help.

But who?

Sam was out of the question because he would _never_ agree to something like this and honestly, Tony could not blame him one bit, because _this_ was _insane_. But it was his only option at this point. He tried to make things work with Pepper, tried _so_ damn hard, but it wasn’t enough. _He_ wasn’t enough, just like with his parents.

Tony, at this point, had dreadfully resigned to the fact that he was simply unworthy of anyone’s unadulterated love and just too damn damaged and broken to ever be worthy enough for healthy companionship. Pepper was right about that, even if she insisted on making things harder than they had to be. Tony hated that it had to come to _this_ , but she crossed the line threatening to snatch Morgan out of his life. Didn’t she know how much he loved that little girl? How he would die just for his little Morgie to have her next breath? Pepper was a fool if she thought he would agree to giving her full custody. She had to have known him better than that. Apparently not.

After polishing off the plan, Tony pondered on who could it be that would help him. Perhaps, he could hire someone, but he needed someone he could trust to not fuck up the job. He needed someone whom was truly about that life and was not afraid to get their hands dirty in the process.

Finally though, after days of pondering, a name finally popped up inside his head that he could not shake no matter how much he tried to. It _wouldn’t_ go away and Tony had no choice but to follow through with it and see where it takes him.

What exactly did he have to lose at this point?

* * *

“We haven’t spoken in almost four years and this is the first thing you proposition me to?” Natasha laughs, reaching for her pack cigarettes. “So, is this why you came all the way over here to jump my bones? To butter me up so that I would say yes?”

“Maybe,” Tony smirks, trailing wet kisses down her arm. “What do you think?”

“Well,” Natasha shrugs, carelessly tossing her lighter to the side, gazing at him as she takes a brief drag of her cigarette. “It’s no secret that I was never a fan of the bitch, but I have to ask: what exactly brought you to this conclusion?”

“She wants to take my daughter away.” Tony nips at her skin, hard enough to possibly bruise the skin, but Natasha was kinky about that type of stuff so he was sure she wouldn’t mind, quite the opposite actually. “And there is absolutely no chance in hell I can let that happen. She’s not raising my daughter with that bastard she’s been having an affair on me with.”

Natasha frowns.

“...Is this really about your daughter or the fact that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore?”

“Does it matter?” Tony practically snaps. “I gave her the opportunity to do the right thing and she chose otherwise and is now dragging our daughter into it. Morgan is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and she’s got another thing coming if she thinks I’m gonna let her not only fuck up our marriage but screw over my relationship with my daughter — my _only_ daughter. She knows how much that little girl means to me and is using her as a pawn to get back at me for cheating on her.”

Natasha’s eyebrows quirk up in amusement, not at all deterred by his verbal outburst.

“She knew?” Natasha asks, genuinely surprised. “The broad is smarter than I gave her credit for. I wish I was there to see the look on her face...” Natasha chuckles, exhaling the smoke from her lungs.

“So now you understand why I need to do this? I’m doing something that I rarely have ever done. I’m asking for your... assistance in this.”

Tony then peers into her emerald green eyes that conveyed a familiar vacancy that had a tendency to be so very off-putting to Tony and also a little... frightening if he were to be honest. Sometimes, it felt like he was staring into an empty green abyss with vague passion or intensity that most people possessed. Natasha never really had that look in her eyes, not even during sex. He reaches a hand out and brushes it against the side of her face, leaning in and brushing their lips together, darting a tongue out against her nose and nipping at her bottom lip.

“...Will you?”

Natasha grins, mischievously, and flips their positions so that she now straddles his hips and his eyes can’t help but reluctantly trail down to her breasts, round and plump they were. He has the urge to nibble on her pink nipples like he had done earlier, so they would become erect again, just the way he liked it.

“...What’s in it for me, Stark?” She asks, taking another long drag from her cigarette bud with a smirk painted across her pretty pink lips. 

“Dead presidents,” he smirks, circling her belly button with his thumb in a playful manner. “Lots and lots of Benjamin Franklin’s in you’re future sweetheart.”

“That sounds nice,” Natasha agrees with a slight nod of her head, but for some reason, Tony gets the feeling that there is something _else_ that she wants. “...But, is that all?”

Tony frowns as he gazes up at her questioningly.

“What’s better than money?”

Natasha rolls her eyes in a dramatic manner that draws out a chuckle from him in response.

“There are lots of things in this world that are better than money, Tony.”

“Yeah? Like what? And don’t give me some cliché about love or-”

“You.” 

“...What?”

“You heard me.” She smirks.

“Nat...” Tony huffs out a nervous laugh, genuinely caught off guard by her words. “Don’t tell me you’ve still been carrying a torch for me all this time.”

“And don’t tell me _your_ still pretending that _this_ is just sex for you and that you haven’t secretly been keeping tabs on me for all these years. I know I’m a good fuck, but come on now. I’m not that naive, Tony.”

“...”

“You really thought you were being discreet.” Natasha laughs, boisterously, derisively. “You men are not as clever as you think you are.”

“I love Pepper.”

“But it’s _me_ you’re always running to whenever Cinderella hurts your feelings, crawling into my bed to cry about all the ways she mistreats you. Now you come crawling back into my bed after five years of radio silence conspiring about offing your wife and making it look like an accident.” She laughs, shaking her head. “You came to _me_. What does that tell you?”

“That I think you’re capable of making a murder look like an accident?” 

“You came to me because we are alike in many, many ways, ways you’ve probably noticed by now, even if you haven’t admitted it. We are. And if I didn’t know any better, I would think we were twin flames.”

Now it’s Tony’s turn to roll his eyes.

“So, you want _me_ in exchange? Even if I’m still in love with Pepper despite the bullshit? You _really_ want someone who is still in love with their soon-to-be deceased ex-wife? That’s what you want for yourself?”

“You asked me what I wanted and I told you. Either you accept it or find someone else.” She retorts.

Tony stares at her for a long moment, contemplatively, before sighing heavily as he nods.

“Alright, alright, you have yourself a deal Natasha Romanov.”

Natasha grins like a Cheshire cat, eyes bright with something rather dark and quite chilling to say the least and Tony almost wonders if he had accidentally made a deal with the devil in exchange for his damned soul (that is, if he even had one at this point).

Natasha leans away from him, discarding her cigarette in the nearby ashtray on her night stand and fucks him again, on his back while she rides him like the carousel at Disney World, but better of course.

* * *

And just like that, the plan is set into motion after weeks of conspiring. Pepper had moved majority of her things out and would be returning one last time for a few miscellaneous items around midday at 1 PM. Morgan would be away at Pre-K until 3 PM, so that gave him just enough time to do the deed.

Tony did not plan on it to be a messy slaying or long and drawn out. He wanted it to be as quick and easy as possible, but painful enough to where she would _feel_ every last inkling of it until she closed her eyes for the final time and took her very last dying breath.

Tony wanted her to _feel_. Feel what he could not for most of his life due to the numbness spawned as a defense mechanism in response to his neglectful parents, _feel_ just about everything he had pent up for years on end, _feel_ the anger and despair she caused him for doing this. _She_ forced him into this. He had to protect his daughter by any means necessary. She was still young enough to be able to move past the death of her mother without severe psychological repercussions, but old enough to possesses vivid enough memories of her, which Tony thought was the least his wife deserved.

Tony had planned the entire day out, going over it again the night before and again hours before her scheduled arrival. He made sure he rid the two-story home of all potential weapons or things that could be used as weapons. He disconnected all of the phones in the house and disconnected the WiFi just to err on the side of caution.

Pepper would be entering into her own death trap, never to be seen or heard from again, because he would make sure of it. Make sure they would never find her body or any traces of her. He would be the last to ever see her alive and the very last one to see her before she closed her eyes for the final time.

Tony, tried with all of his might, to find a morsel of pity for what he was about to do to the woman he once called the love of his life and the apple of his eye, but could not find it, not even just a little bit. All he could feel was numbness and all he could hear were her malicious words as she made it abundantly clear for the umpteenth time that they were over and done with and that Morgan was going to be living with her.

Tony had tried to offer her a rope to pull herself up from her inevitable fate, but, like the many times before, she did not take it. She threw it back in his face and told him to fuck off.

And now, here they were, having a glass of red wine (well Pepper was) as Tony served her last supper: Greek food. A Kotosoupa for Pepper and a Kleftiko for himself. The cuisine that initially brought them closer and now would be the last one they would ever share together.

Tony could tell that Pepper had sensed something was amiss, but she did not say anything, only commented (for the umpteenth time) how delicious the food was and the nostalgia that came with the cuisine. 

She even shed a few tears, recalling their very first date and how disheartened she was about the way things had turned out and how he would always have a special place in her heart simply for the fact that he was the father of her child. If this was going to work, they had to be on the same page and make decisions that were best for Morgan, above all else.

Tony had not been deterred by her words the way he probably should have been. It was as if he had mentally checked out and just like her mind had been made up, so was his.

Tony had waited until the very last moment to pounce. Tony slipped on his jogging shoes and leather gloves when Pepper disappeared to retrieve her things and it was only when she turned around to bid him goodbye was the exact moment he attacked.

Tony wrapped the manila rope around her neck and practically dragged her backwards, causing the box of miscellaneous items to splatter to the floor, scattering everywhere. Pepper let out a surprised, choked sound as her eyes bulged out of her head and her hands immediately went to her neck, clawing at the skin as she desperately tried to free herself from his grasp.

Pepper tried kicking him, scratching him, biting him, screaming bloody mary — none of it worked, because Tony had already been prepared for her weak attempts at fighting back. Pepper was no match for his strength and the longer she struggled against him, the more she began to realize that, at least he assumed that she did.

Tony, however, only tightened the rope around her neck with each passing second and the tighter it got, the weaker she became. Tears fell from her lashes, down her puffy, reddened cheeks as she managed to utter out something unintelligible, still clawing at her neck until she broke skin and it bled.

Tony continued tightening the thick rope around her neck, briefly closing his eyes as he willed her to give up, to _stop_ fighting back because her life as she knew it was over, he wanted her to accept the fact that this was _it_. If he could not have her, no one else would, if she was to take his daughter out of his life, he would take her life. Simple as that.

Eventually, Pepper went limp in his grasp and he could only assume by the heaviness of her body that she was dead, at least he hoped so.

He ended up laying her down onto the hard wood floor, kneeling beside her to peer down at her lifeless frame. Those sapphire eyes that used to resemble the Caribbean sea now bulged out of her head in a cartoonish way, surrounded by the broken blood vessels in her eyes, bearing a striking resemblance to a zombie.

The scratches and bruises cover her neck not only from the heavy rope he used to strangle her to death, but from her pathetic attempts at trying to free herself. Her lips were parted open, almost as if in a silent, unheard scream for help he assumes and her eyes... her eyes had no life behind them and her strawberry blond tresses that he used to be addicted to running his fingers through were spread about in the midst of her struggle for freedom along with her face and skin that was as red as a tomato and her lips were a disturbing shade of blue.

She was dead, that much was obvious. The mother of his child was dead. The love of his life was dead. Tony reached a hand out and brushed the side of her face as he gazed down at her for a long moment in silence before speaking.

He leans down and presses a chaste kiss to her lips that still felt warm and tasted of the red wine she had enjoyed only minutes ago.

“...We could have been so much more than what we were. I gave you the world and it wasn’t enough. I was never good enough for you, never good enough for your parents and never good enough for mine. Despite of all of that, I loved you more than life itself. You gave me the best gift anyone’s ever given me — my little Morgie! And you should have known I would _never_ allow you take her away from me. I couldn’t let you Pepper. I just couldn’t! You _had_ to understand that!”

Tony then leans away and wordlessly wraps his hand around his wife’s slender neck, briefly closing his eyes as an audible _crack!_ reverberates through the silence as he snaps her neck, once again, to err on the side of caution, to make sure it was final and that she had truly uttered her last breath.

Tony stares at her for a couple passing moments before he moves away like lightening speed to retrieve the body bag and carefully wrapped her up with a precision and particularity that could have only come from years of experience, which Tony did not have, but he was excellent at winging it, like he did most things in his life. 

Tony carefully lifted the body bag up onto his shoulder, retrieving his car keys and making his way to his 3-car garage. Popping the trunk open to his SUV, he threw the dead weight of his wife in the trunk and rushed over to retrieve some more manila rope with hooks on the end, along with a few weights and tossing them into the trunk as well before closing it. Tony slid into the driver’s seat and opened his garage, barreling out like a mad man.

* * *

“Daddy!” Morgan squeals happily, rushing into his arms to which Tony scoops her up and presses affectionate kisses to her cheeks as she giggles. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too sweetheart!” Tony grins. “God you’ve gotten even more beautiful since the last time I seen you. Tell me lady bug, how is that possible?”

Morgan flushes and Tony grins as she nuzzles her face into his shoulder.

“How about we go and get some ice cream as a treat. How does that sound?”

“But I can’t have sweets, remember daddy? I don’t wanna filling.”

“We’ll make an exception this time around. You’ve been such a good girl and daddy’s missed you so, so much.” He kisses her forehead as he sets her in her car seat, strapping her in securely.

“Yay!”

Tony pulls off the curb and onto the main road.

“...Dada?”

“Yes sweetie?”

“Where’s mama?”

Tony gazes at his daughter through the rear view mirror, jaw clenching as he exhales through his nostrils, briefly closing his eyes to rid himself of the image of his dead wife and bloodshot eyes peering into the very depths of his soul, tauntingly.

Tony clears his throat.

“Mama’s taking a little nap in the trunk sweetheart. She’ll be alright.”

“Mama’s in the trunk? Why daddy?” Morgan frowns.

“Mama loves to play her little games, no matter how much they drive dada crazy.” Tony strains out a laugh.

Tony’s thankful Morgan doesn’t ask any more questions for the remainder of the drive because he certainly wasn’t in the right frame of mind to answer any of them.

Tony texted Natasha the “code words” to let her know that the plan thus far had been a success and that he had been on his way to his third destination.

They drove for another forty-five minutes just before they reach their destination. Tony stops at a nearby ice cream parlor and orders Morgan’s favorite: double chocolate fudge.

While she enjoys her treat in the backseat, Tony parks near an isolated area near the beach. He gets out of the car and immediately heads for the trunk, but not before taking in his surroundings, first and foremost, to make sure there weren’t any prying eyes near. When the coast was clear; Tony unloaded the body bag, the dead body hitting the concrete with a disturbing sound that had Tony inclined to believe it might’ve been Pepper’s head.

Ouch.

Tony drags the body bag across the concrete, heavy and bulky it was, but he still toils on. Tony had always heard that carrying a dead body felt like hauling a ton of bricks, but he still had not expected Pepper’s body to be _this_ heavy. He would’ve commissioned the assistance of Natasha, if only to make this process quicker than it was.

When he finally reached the end of the deck, he jogged back over to his SUV and grabbed hold of his manila rope and the weights and sprinted back over to the deck where he tied the rope around the area he assumed were Pepper’s feet, tying a bowline knot and took the hooks at the end of the ropes and attached them to the weights.

Tony quickly gazed around him in a paranoid and anxious manner, only to find that it was still rather empty out here. It usually was, which is why he chose this particular beach and this particular spot in the first place. Who was really attending the beach in November?

Tony wasted no time shoving the body bag off the edge and into the depths of the deep blue sea, never to be seen or heard from again. Tony watched his wife slowly sink into the large body of water, the weights anchored at her feet pulling her further down into the darkness that encompassed the ocean. Pepper would never be found and by the off chance she was to be found, by the time they would realize her body had been discarded into the sea, her body would be decomposed and did away with from aid of sea life and she would be left unrecognizable as a result.

Tony lingered near the deck for another couple minutes before returning to his SUV, to find Morgan finishing up her treat. He smiles at his daughter, watching as she devours the treat with such a sweetness and innocence that made his heart flutter in response. God, he wished she could stay _this_ way forever. He did not want her to be tainted by the world the way he had been. He wanted to protect her from all of its dirt and grime; shield her from those that only meant her ill-will. Tony wanted to protect her the way he had not been when he was her age, love her the way he had never been loved, not even by his own parents.

But Morgan loved him and even if she was probably the only person that ever did in all of his fifty pathetic years on this earth, it was enough for him. He found strength in it. Morgan made him _feel_. The numbness that was slowly creeping back up now that the source of his light had been cut off abruptly, Morgan was now what Pepper used to be, what his Johnnie Walker had been. One obsession replaced with another.

Now, in hindsight, Tony could recognize that this, perhaps, was an unhealthy pattern he had developed in his life, not only with alcohol, but in his relationships, with Pepper and now with his daughter that would fill the absence her mother had left behind.

“...Morgie?”

She glances up at him with those bright hazel brown eyes of hers and smiles, swirling her little pink tongue around the chocolate treat eagerly.

“Yes daddy?”

“...You know daddy loves you, right?”

Morgan nods and Tony smiles, reaching a hand out and brushing a few brown locks of hair that had blown into her face due to the strong gusts of wind outside.

“...I know that, perhaps when you are older, you will understand this better, but for now, you need to know that mama was being real bad. Real, real bad and made daddy really mad, so I put her on time out.”

“Why Mama was mean to daddy?!”

“I don’t know why mama was being so mean to daddy, but she won’t hurt daddy any longer Morgie. Daddy won’t have to worry about custody battles, you won’t have to worry about a new step dada, no new step brothers or sisters. Just me and you sweetheart. Just the two of us from now on... Okay?”

“Yay!” Morgan cheers as chocolate drips down her chin, evoking a hearty laugh from him in response. 

“You’re a mess baby girl, but I love you. Daddy loves you so much. Don’t you ever forget it, okay?”

“W’ove you too dada!”

Just then, an ordinary sedan pulls up near his SUV with tinted windows. Immediately, he recognizes Natasha as she exits the car, just by her striking red hair that glowed in a majestic manner when the sun reflected off of it. She was dressed rather casually and nondescript, very much unlike her usual style of dress. Tony smiles when he locks eyes with her.

“You made it.”

“You thought I wouldn’t?” She smirks.

“Not at all,” he chuckles. “You’ve got everything we need?”

“Of course. But we need to leave now, we are already an hour behind schedule.”

“Right.” Tony nods.

Natasha helps Tony transfer a few things from his SUV to the sedan, like luggage and a few of Morgan’s toys, along with a few other things from his lab that he didn’t feel comfortable leaving behind.

After strapping Morgan in and making sure she was buckled in securely, he slips into the passenger seat.

“Ready?” Natasha asks, quirking an eyebrow at him with a mischievous glint in her eyes, along with that all too familiar smirk painted across her pretty red lips.

Tony grins.

“Let’s burn rubber, baby.” 

Natasha laughs, shaking her head as she steps on the gas and they’re off.

Tony cannot say for certainty whether he is happy or not. He’s lost everything; his marriage, the love of his life, his friendship with Sam would be left behind and Stark Industries will probably crumble without his leadership. But, even if his life was hell right now, he still had Morgan and that was probably the closest he would ever get to true, unadulterated happiness.

Tony would finally live life by his own terms, without the influence of his parents, hovering over him like dark thunderous cloud and without the incessant need to please Pepper, to make her happy, even if he knew deep down that it would never be enough, _he_ would never be enough. He was never enough for anyone, never deserving enough for anyone’s unconditional love. The only ones that truly cared were Sam (and he wasn’t sure he would ever see him again), Morgan of course and... Natasha. She cared. She had to if she was willing to go _this_ far, just to have him for herself. All this time he’d been running behind Pepper, begging for her to love him just as much as he loved her and here was Natasha, willing to go to the ends of the earth for him. She was there, hidden in plain sight, and he couldn’t see it because he’d been blind to it or he simply chose not to see it because he didn’t believe he deserved a woman that would love him like that.

Tony gazes at her from the passenger seat, watches the way her emerald green eyes focused intently on the road ahead, the wind from her opened window blowing into her face, causing her hair to blow all over the place, evoking a chuckle from him that causes her to glance at him with inquisitive expression written on her face.

“What? What’re laughing at?”

Tony smiles, shaking his head, reaching a hand out and brushing his fingers against the nape of her neck. Tony glanced towards the backseat of the car where his daughter was, strapped in her car seat, still playing with her Etch A Sketch that he’d given her for the trip to keep her entertained. Tony then leans in and presses a soft, meaningful kiss to Natasha’s collarbone and neck. When she turned to look at him, he captured her lips in a sweet kiss that seemed to have taken her aback.

Natasha didn’t say anything in response but he could tell by the look on her face that she understood what he was trying to tell her, even if he could not properly articulate them in that moment.

Tony knew now that as long as he had her, he would be alright. He would be whole again. The numbness would dissipate and Tony would _feel_ again. And truthfully, that would be enough for him.

Morgan would be enough, Natasha would be enough and they were all that would matter to him going forward in this new life.


End file.
